here's my list of ways that you can write just like my totally excellent comic book stories!

•All stories have to have "conflict," I guess, which is basically a thing that happens when someone has a knife and tries to stab you with the knife and you don't want him to stab you with the knife. The stabbing is like a conflict! Personally, what I think makes for a good conflict is screaming, explosions, or there being a whole lot blood everywhere all the time. If you're writing a big "event" comic, then consider a screaming explosion of blood - that's extra conflicted!

•People say that it's really difficult to write human emotions. These people are dumb - there's only seven emotions, and each of them has a color, and you can't feel more than two at a time. Easy-peasy!

•An "Antagonist" is a guy who throws a lot of explosions at the hero. A "climax" is when most of the explosions happen, and the "denouement" is the part where someone's head gets punched through.

•It's really important to "build tension" in a story. That means you don't just have explosions happen, sometimes the bad guy gets to say something really sarcastic first and THEN the explosion happens.

•All characters have to have motives, which is a thing that makes them want to do the things they're doing. For instance, bad guys? They're usually insane, or zombies, and that's their "motive" for being evil. Now you know what a motive is, but you should come up with your own motive, because those two are my motives and I don't want you stealing my ideas.

•Movies and plays are usually divided into three acts: The Setup, The Confrontation and The Resolution. I don't know why they don't just make explosions of screaming blood happen all the time instead, because that's what I do and it seems to work out okay. I don't even know what a "resolution" is, but I guess it's probably when the hero vows to never let any explosions happen to his loved ones ever again. (PS When he does that is a really good time to get his wife and kids killed)

•Everybody knows the "Big Three" characters, but there are lots of lesser-known characters floating around who have "potential". Potential is a word that means "getting your arms torn off or your heart punched out for no reason". Potential is my favorite thing.

And there you have it - twelve great tips on how to write excellent comics just like me! More than anything, though, I think the most important thing is for a comic book writer to retain his sense of childlike wonder towards the world, to be able to look at it through the eyes of innocent youth - I mean, not TOO young, not like six or seven years old or anything gay like that, but maybe like thirteen. You know, puberty, when everything was really confusing and aggravating but you could get into some of the movies that totally showed tits sometimes or a guy getting stabbed in the chest, and they weren't really any good but they were SHOCKING and provoked a reaction and you confused that with any sense of worth? Either that or also you can just crib from old Mark Waid comics too. Peace out!

-Geoff Johns

THat's why I excerpted the funny part.

When did Johns write zombies, by the way? I know he wrote a bunch of Black Lanterns.

Oh wait, that is because I actually READ THE ISSUES

Okay, there was some stuff that made me giggle, but the article was like those SNL skits that have potential for a 30 second bit that they pad out to 5 minutes.

How to write totally awesome blog entries like that guy:

1.) Read a whole bunch of comics by a writer you don't like. Then read even more, just to make extra sure you don't like him. Buy everything he's ever done, cause then you can complain extra hard about how he is so bad and wonder why he keeps getting work!

2.) Spend large chunks of your free time considering everything you don't like about that writer. Make a detailed list of all the things about his work that you don't like.

3.) Let the bitterness flow!

You should post these instructions in the latest Simply/Supey thread.

Probably would have been more amusing if the author did not feel the need to make cheap shots in the intro and summary.

I wonder how much of Johns stuff the author has read?

Oh...you mean Geoff Johns didn't really write this?