Where am I?
I wish I knew. There are some days I know what I want and all. But then I think about how I am about certain things and Realize I have no business wanting to be in any kind of relationship.
I want someone to love me and understand me. But I don't always know that myself.
How can I expect it of someone else?
I do know I am unable to be in any really close relationships right now, I can't ask anyone to wait for me to be either. That would totally be unfair. I love the people I care about, my family and friends. I just need to get to the point where I feel stable, secure in myself. That might be too much to ask of me, much less another person. At least I recognize it, and I am willing to adjust . However long it might take me.
But I would never ask anyone to wait on me,

yesterday I read a message I should have seen almost 3 weeks ago. It got me to thinking about a lot of things, some things I have been thinking about for a while.
when I was with steve, he wanted me to say i loved him and the very day i did. actually what i had said was
"I think i love you", he dropped everything and rushed over to where i work and he looked me in the eye and studied me for a long moment, then he kissed me. I didn't expect that reaction, I wasn't ready for it.
he had rushed me into saying anything and I was not ready.
I feel some of that right now, overwhelmed I guess is the best way to describe it. not for anyone in particular but knowing there are one or two that expects me to change my mind .
that just makes me a little nervous, i guess.....

If you're not ready, you're not ready. But one thing my present life is teaching me is to boil it down to the now. You say you don't feel that you can ask someone to wait for you. Then don't. But if you find someone in the now that makes you laugh, then laugh. If they make you happy, be happy. Yes, we all need to be understood, to be loved, to be cherished. But we also need the fundamental building blocks for that, someone to just give a damn, someone you enjoy spending time with, someone who helps you find your smile. Let yourself be open to that and the larger things will come.

I apologize for giving you advice rather than just supporting you, but do know that I do wish the best for you and I do hope you find what you're looking for.

Actually James that IS what I needed to hear.
Sometimes it feels like your talking in the dark and nothing makes sense.
It makes me feel a little better that someone can say the right thing to just be encouraging,
Thank you...

There is one area in my life I find puzzling.
There is someone my sister knows, I can't stand this woman, even the very mention of her name makes me livid.
Mom keeps asking me if this person doesn't matter why does she make you so mad?
I really don't know. I have heard that 90% (or something like that ) of attraction is scent.
So maybe the same goes for visceral dislike.
Mom keeps telling me that if I don't care it should not make me angry
I KNOW that, but I keep having the same reaction.
Makes me wonder, am I being weird about things like this?
In other area's I can be indifferent to people I don't like or know very well.
it does take me a long time to warm up to people, I don't handle sudden change very well at all.
We found out Coby has a mild form of Autism. He reacts similarly.
So I wonder if I have something wrong with me. Both my sisters are very different from me.
I am the only one like this.
Of course I could just be quirky and odd like my name

it has been two weeks since Uncle Marvin died. that first week was such a tornado in our lives.
this week things have calmed down a little. Aunt Darlene is coping pretty well. her nephew austin is with her and her surrogate grandson Ben. I got to be with her this weekend.
Saturday we went with her friends/adopted kids Laurel and Susie to barn yard days and I spent Sunday night at her house. Her dog Callie didn't like me being there til Darlene brought me a hamburger then she was my new best friend.
We made plans to do it again soon. i like being able to be there for her and she needs the company. I was suposed to be a girls night in and movie night but her mom called and Darlene was worried about her, so she left for an hour to check on her mom.
So it has been a busy weekend. but I enjoyed it.