This was something that came to me earlier tonight. I figured if it was still there when I made it home I'd put it down and see what people thought. It's pretty much a rough idea fleshed out as I went. So good, bad or otherwise it's spur of the moment. Ideas come to me. It's fun to play them out and see what comes of it. Anyone willing to critique it be my guest. If I get a decent response I might keep going.

Untitled

They'd been working Joey over for a couple hours when I arrived. I hadn't ask for that to happen but you take the gifts you're given. Joey was a small-timer hoping to work his way up. He mostly did courier work for us. He knew enough to keep his mouth shut and do what was asked of him. It was safe to say Joey's chances weren't all that great after tonight.

We were in a back room of a little out of the way place. It's the type of room you'd never think to look for. And if you knew the kind of shit that went on in here you'd be even happier being ignorant. They say that kind of thing is bliss. Might just be right about that.

There was Tony, Luca, Joey and me here right now.Tony and Luca were not what you'd call bright. But for the kind of shit they got called to do brains wasn't needed. They knew more than Joey. And their futures were a damn sight brighter than his. They were also a couple of wise asses so my bad night was shaping up to be a whole lot worse. It was bad enough I had to handle this shit with Joey. Keeping those two dimwits in line was an added chore I did not need tonight.

I grabbed a chair and pulled it near where they had Joey. He was tied to a chair. The chair was bolted to the floor. Tony and Luca had given him a pretty solid beating. They must have been in a good mood tonight. Or possibly they were getting lazy. It looked like Joey could nearly make it out of here on his own. If he wasn't tied up that is. I would have expected a lot harsher treatment. It did give me a bit of extra room to maneuver though. The kind of hurting I could put into Joey would make the treatment he'd already got look like a full body massage from some slut in an escort service. I was hoping he'd give me some decent answers without having to beat it out of him.

As I got closer Joey perked up slightly. His head was slumped down. I don't think he was unconscious. More than likely he was just saving his strength. Good plan.

I sat down. Waited maybe fifteen to twenty seconds before saying anything. You don't want to rush things in this type of situation. Sure it can scare a guy pretty bad if you come in all tough and full of fire and brimstone. But that kind of shit only takes you so far. People exposed to that build up a tolerance real quick. When someone is yelling at you you can block it out. A real calm motherfucker, on the other hand, can go a hell of a lot further. I got years of experience behind me to back that up.

"Time to tell me what you know, Joey" I said in a low tone "It's time to get this shit figured out. You don't want this night to get any worse than it already is."

Joey coughed a bit. Spat out some blood. Coughed again. And then he started to cry a little. If he hadn't started bawling I wouldn't have believed a word he was saying. A guy like Joey in a situation like this those tears were a good sign he was genuine. Or trying real hard to appear that way. And he didn't have it in him to fake this well for this long.

Joey cried for maybe half a minute. I let him. It's easier when you let them spill it out on their own. If I was in a hurry that wouldn't be an option Tonight I had plenty of time. I was still hoping to be out of here within an hour though. I had a reputation to maintain and a small fry like Joey holding out would not help that one bit.

"You won't believe me, man!" Joey cried out. "You won't believe me and I'm a fucking dead man!"

"Just spit it out, Joey." I said. "Maybe the two of us can find a way out of this hole you've dug yourself in to. What happened to the shipment?"

Joey lifted his head up. He looked me square in the eye. He started to speak and his words came out almost as a mixture of laughter and tears.

"It was vampires, man. It was fucking vampires that happened to it!" and then he started to cry some more.

Aw hell.

My night was going to be a lot longer than I'd planned.

To be continued?

This type of story and dialog are not my cup of tea. For what it is, though, it looks like a good start. The characters are believable wiseguys, the characters and setting are sketched in efficiently, and there's a hook at the end that makes the reader curious. It looks like you're well on your way!

One thing you could try adding--more setting and atmosphere. You describe the room as "the type of room you'd never think to look for." I guess that means it's out of the way and nondescript. Even so, there needs to be some kind of description. Is it in a warehouse? An old garage? A derelict factory or tenement building? Is there anything else in the room besides a chair--maybe some peeling paint or broken furniture or junk? Is this happening at night, in some dimly-lit spot? Your narrator does not sound like someone who would go into too much eloquent detail. But some detail to help establish setting and help the reader "see" the place would go a long way toward helping pull the reader more into the story.

D.L. has some good suggestions. Non-specifics feel like cliches. Specifics are almost always better.

We were in a back room of a little out of the way place.
It's the type of room you'd never think to look for.
And if you knew the kind of shit that went on in here you'd be even happier being ignorant.
They say that kind of thing is bliss.
Might just be right about that.

We were in Benny's "Toothache," a small cavity of a room in the back of Old Man Gruter's Fish Market.
Once part of the market's large storage freezer, this hideaway had been created by building two new walls
near the north east corner. Benny used it for book keeping and gutting those who couldn't paid their loses.
Cold as Finland, and, with tubs of iced fish stacked in front of it, and with fish slime deliberately slathered
and plaqued on the outside of these walls, the room naturally repelled close inspection. It was better left
unknown that parts of Benny's former customers would sometimes end up in Gruter's Fish Puppies or in the farm fish feeding troughs.

That's sort of what I had in mind. It needs some tweaking and streamlining to make a closer fit with the voice of Goliath's character. But yes, this is an example of how a descriptive passage can punch up the story.

Hope our comments help, Goliath. We'd like to see where you go next.

Thanks for taking a look, guys. Like I said. It was something that came to me and I decided to try out. I think I got what I could out of it though.

.... keep .. working .. at .. it.., Trevor.


comes ... with .. practice ...