36 Rules For Bands

Dr. Chris Evil · 26 Jul 2006

http://elliott-randall.com/2011/04/36-rules-for-bands/

1.Never start a trio with a married couple.
2.Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
3.Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
4.No one cares who you’ve opened for.
5.A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
6.If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
7.When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8.If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music (“Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
9.Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
10.Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on the Austin Music Network.
11.When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
12.When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14.Never name your band after a song.
15.When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16.Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.
17.Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”, “open mike”, etc.
18.Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19.Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
20.It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
21.No one cares that you have a web site.
22.Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23.Don’t hire a publicist.
24.Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
25.Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a cover band.
26.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27.Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28.If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29.We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30.Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31.If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32.Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33.Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34.Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35.Rock oxymorons: “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and “Fastball’s second hit”.
36.3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

RobertSwanderson · 01 Jan 2007

Quote:

7.When you talk on stage you are never funny.

I've tried to explain this to people... The audience would rather hear silence.

Ocean Doot · 25 Oct 2007

Dr. Chris Evil wrote:

http://elliott-randall.com/2011/04/36-rules-for-bands/

26.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

Different tunings?

Geff R. · 27 Sep 2006

Mostly good (& hilarious) stuff, but as a former cover band pro guitar player (& we even played Bush, I sang Everything Zen!) I 100% disagree with this one:

Quote:

26.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

I had a Strat copy that sounded like a Strat (Clapton/Hendrix) & an SG copy that sounded like a Gibson (most non strat classic rockers, much thicker tone).

We actually used to take my guitar changes into serious consideration when writing set lists, along with the lead vocalist's need to rest after a tough song.

Rick Grubbs · 03 Oct 2006

Oh man that list is hilarious!

Dr. Chris Evil · 26 Jul 2006

Ocean Doot wrote:

Dr. Chris Evil wrote:

http://elliott-randall.com/2011/04/36-rules-for-bands/

26.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

Different tunings?

Good point, but the list was written by one of the Steely Dan guitar greats, Elliott Randall, so I'll respect No. 26.

Renny · 26 Jun 2006

26.Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

i totally disagree with this statement, and i don't even play guitar.

The Human Top · **Joined:** 29 Jan 2011 **Posts:** 1114

Yeah, a bunch of these are totally off, like number 26 and the one about not wearing suits (Small Faces? David Bowie? R & B music?). I find the ones related to the drummer to be the most interesting and funny, but even those aren't very true.

Glenn S. · 30 Oct 2006

Elliott Randall wrote:

1.Never start a trio with a married couple.

Band on the Run fans might disagree.

ted262 · 22 Aug 2004

We could just start telling musician jokes.

richman666 · 15 Nov 2006

Funny list, but I must defend the criminally underrated Fastball. They had more than one hit, and they should've had more. Also, regarding #16, one of my bands entered a Battle Of The Bands, and we lost to a band who were terrible but had friends & family on the judging committee. The rule should be "Never WIN a Battle Of The Bands contest," because then you'll add it to your resume and think it means something. If you lose, you'll pretend it never happened, which is what I did until this thread.

GodsComic · 03 Aug 2006

RobertSwanderson wrote:

Quote:

7.When you talk on stage you are never funny.

I've tried to explain this to people... The audience would rather hear silence.

I love it when Jeff Tweedy talks to the crowd.

Charles · 19 Dec 2007

GodsComic wrote:

RobertSwanderson wrote:

Quote:

7.When you talk on stage you are never funny.

I've tried to explain this to people... The audience would rather hear silence.

I love it when Jeff Tweedy talks to the crowd.

Ray Davies is very entertaining........and Elvis Costello when doing spinning Wheel shows.

Kym · 11 Nov 2006

richman666 wrote:

Funny list, but I must defend the criminally underrated Fastball. They had more than one hit, and they should've had more. Also, regarding #16, one of my bands entered a Battle Of The Bands, and we lost to a band who were terrible but had friends & family on the judging committee. The rule should be "Never WIN a Battle Of The Bands contest," because then you'll add it to your resume and think it means something. If you lose, you'll pretend it never happened, which is what I did until this thread.

Seconded. "Fire Escape" and "Out of My Head" were big radio hits. And their cover of Hoodoo Gurus' "Like Wow - Wipeout" showed their excellent taste.

Hank · 01 Dec 2004

Kym wrote:

richman666 wrote:

Funny list, but I must defend the criminally underrated Fastball. They had more than one hit, and they should've had more. Also, regarding #16, one of my bands entered a Battle Of The Bands, and we lost to a band who were terrible but had friends & family on the judging committee. The rule should be "Never WIN a Battle Of The Bands contest," because then you'll add it to your resume and think it means something. If you lose, you'll pretend it never happened, which is what I did until this thread.

Seconded. "Fire Escape" and "Out of My Head" were big radio hits. And their cover of Hoodoo Gurus' "Like Wow - Wipeout" showed their excellent taste.

You're An Ocean was a pretty big hit, too.

36 Rules For Bands

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