This marks the third forum I posted this in. The first is gone. The second moved and may not have it anymore. Good thing I save these things.

Yes, Beetle is dead. It was written after Identity Crisis but before Orgy of Infinite Deaths. So pretend I don't have to bring Beetle back first.

©2004, JCT. The Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Captain Atom, the Elongated Man, the Flash, Manga Kahn, and Sue Dibny are all trademarks of DC Comics, Inc. and used without permission. Bild Zhee and Zoofi Knist Boorham are mine and I don't want you using them, either.

Chapter 1

“I would give everything I own just to have you back again, just to touch you once again.” - Bread.


The accountancy drone hummed as calculations of profit and loss drifted across its view screen. “Summation?” said the figure in the shadows seated at the captain’s chair of the space ark.

“Your net worth is approximately seventy-seven quadrillion Zlaznies. Probability of sufficiency: ninety-nine point nine three percent”

“What’s the problem with the remaining point oh seven percent?”

The drone floated closer to the figure. “You do not have among your assets an Alderan purple goat.”

“Is Aldera in their star system?”

“No, sir.”

“Then I’ll risk it.” He depressed a button on the console before him. “Nah-Nik-Uhl, are we within scanning range of Earth?”

“Yes,” a computer voice said from an overhead speaker.

“Have you located the Justice League, as I instructed?”

“The ones you seek are not the Justice League anymore, sir, but I have found them, at least most of them.”

The figure inhaled then exhaled. “What?”

“You are not going to want to hear it, sir.”

The figure put his hand to his forehead. “Tell me.”

“Their leader is missing, sir.”

“No!” he shouted, pounding the arm rest of his chair. “Increase speed to maximum.”

“Sir, we are already going as fast as possible. In fact, sir, there is a twelve percent probability that we are breaking the laws of physics.”

“Are there science police in this sector?”

“No, sir.”

“Then I’ll risk it. We must get there! We must find her!”

“Sir, Zoofi Knist Boorham of Begazal is still available.”

“If it should come down to that, I’ll deal with it. But for now, we must get to Earth and find her. We must find my future consort, Sue Dibny!”

Chapter 2

Booster Gold was leaning back in his chair in the Superbuddies storefront turned headquarters, pulling a long string of cheese from his mouth to the pizza in his hand. Blue Beetle was next to him, drawing up a new dispersal bomb on the personal computer.

“I still don’t get you, Michael. You come from the future, where personal computers make this thing look like a wind up watch. I’m sure they’ve cured diseases mankind hasn’t even suffered from yet. And yet, you’re here. Eating pizza.”

“It’s good za.”

“Why the past?”

“Because stuff actually happens here.” Gold took a drink of his soda. “Let me tell you, the future is boring.”

“More boring than spending an evening in an old storefront eating pizza?” Beetle printed out his schematics.

“Look, you’re my pirate.”

“If you want me to stay here the rest of the evening, you’d better explain that one.”

“You know how in cowboy and pirate movies, life was so much harder but it was so exciting? Well, that’s what life in these times is to me. Everything back in the future seems so predictable. Here you never know what will happen next.”

“Captain Atom will walk through the front door. That’s what will happen next.”

Captain Atom walked through the front door, then re-secured it and walked to his compatriots.

“How’d you do that?”

“Geez, man. I looked at the security monitor.”

“Did we get any calls while I was out?”

Beetle turned to him. “Two.”

“Wow! A new record.”

Booster sat up. “Not really. One was a wrong number and the other was the pizza place calling back to make sure our order was right.”

“You should have taken us along, Cap.”

“Sorry. It was one of those government missions.”

Booster shook his head. “You are amazing. They blew you up on the nose of a rocket, made you lie to the whole world, and messed up your family. Why do you still mess with them?”

“I still love my country. I have something to offer and there are things I can do for it that people like Superman can’t.”

Beetle rose from his chair. “I wonder more why you hang with us.”

“Nice, man.”

“No, really, Booster. Cap has power in the Green Lantern neighborhood and yet he hangs with us. Why?”

“You’re fun.” Captain Atom pulled a slice of pizza from the box. “And the others haven’t asked me.” He smiled. “If we don’t start getting some calls, I don’t know how Max can keep this place going.”

Beetle filed his diagram in his four drawer filing cabinet. “He can’t. Not without her.”

Booster stood up. “Let’s go see Ralph.”

Captain Atom shook his head. “He said to stay away.”

“He didn’t mean us.”

Beetle held his palms forward. “I’m pretty sure he did mean us.”

Booster just smiled at Beetle.

Beetle and Captain Atom looked at each other. Beetle sighed. “We’re going to go anyway.”

Chapter 3

Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man, brought out a cup of coffee and saucer and placed them on the coffee table. "You know, no offense, because I love you dearly, but this is kind of creepy."

The Flash dusted the furniture, cleaned the kitchen stove, and wiped down the bathroom walls. "Well, yeah, but you have to remember the number of years I lived as a bachelor before I got married."

Ralph sat down in his easy chair, the one next to hers. "I don't mean the cleaning. I mean talking to you after you're, well, dead." Ralph tented his fingers. "If Wally hadn't mentioned you did this to him before, I would have thought you were Professor Zoom or something."

"Well, with the possible of exception of Hal, you're the best friend I have. I couldn't not talk to you. Not at a crucial time like this." The Flash sat down on the couch. "You'll have to vacuum yourself. You can't really do that at super speed."

Ralph nodded absently. "Thank you. I sure could have used you the night..." Ralph started to tear up.

"I couldn't Ralph. The history was written. If I went back and tried to stop it, the future that I came from to try to do that wouldn't happen and I wouldn't exist to come back to do it. But the history did say I needed to see you now."

"To clean my house?"

"That's just me doing you a favor. No, I came here to tell you something. Something that's not going to make sense and I am just going to ask that you trust your friend Barry."

"I trust you, Barry. Everyone does. That's how this--"

"No time. They'll be here soon. Listen. When you get the chance to make the deal, say yes. Trust me. Say yes."

The doorbell rang.

Ralph saw Barry raise his hand in a goodbye wave and then he simply wasn't there. Ralph stretched his head to the door. "Who is it?"

"Land shark."

"Stop it."

"What? He's got a great sense of humor."

"And you have no sense of decorum."

"Ralph. It's Nathaniel. If nothing else, let us in to get these two off the street."

The Elongated Man walked his body over to his head. "I thought I told you to stay away."

"See, I told you he meant us."

"That's just his sense of humor."

"Ralph, they'll do this all night. You know how they are."

Ralph began undoing the multiple locks. "Yeah. I know. I remember." Ralph opened the door and Beetle, Booster, and the Captain all entered. "I told you I didn't want anyone looking in on me."

Booster shrugged his shoulders. "We miss you, that's all." Booster looked at the empty chair. "And her."

"Join the club." Ralph motioned for them to sit down.

Beetle noticed the coffee cup on the table. "Who's that for?"

"Me."

"But you usually sit--"

The air was filled with a loud heavy mechanical roar. The house shook slightly. Ralph stretched his head to a window. "What is it with you guys?"

Booster turned to see Ralph's head go back to his body while his arms retrieved his purple and white Elongated Man outfit from the closet. "What do you mean?"

Ralph quickly donned his uniform. "I swear, you couldn't go to the bathroom without causing a galactic incident."

Beetle pulled back a curtain and looked out. "Yikes." Captain Atom wandered over and put his hand over his open mouth. "Oh my."

"What?"

"There's a starship on my front lawn, Booster! That's what!"

Beetle pulled his optic gun from its holster. "Not just any starship; Manga Kahn's starship."

Chapter 4

Several mechanical drones debarked the spaceship and began waving their tendrils at the exterior of the Dibny home.

"Booster, use your force field to protect the house. Beetle, E.M., try to trip up the ones closest to the house. I'll blast the ones closest to the spaceship and try to work my way inside." Captain Atom soared into the air toward the hull of the ship.

Booster generated a force field wall between the front of the house and the drones. "Man, if there are two things I don't like, it's attack robots and spiders. So what do we have? Spidery attack robots!"

Beetle fired a stream of Frictionless Foam at an onrushing drone. "If they were spidery robotic fat chicks, you'd have the trifecta."

The Elongated Man used his arm as a trip wire. "This is the only group were I'm one of the serious ones."

An electronic voice that sounded like a southern belle came from the ship. "Please stop attacking the inventory robots."

Captain Atom incinerated a robot, then stopped. "Inventory?"

A male voice came from the speakers. "The cost of those robots is coming out of your dowry."

Booster scratched his hair. "Dowry?"

The voice said "Are you going to just repeat everything I say?"

"Re-" Booster started, but stopped when Beetle signaled to cut it.

"Which one of you is the owner of Sue Dibny?"

Ralph scrunched his face up in a frown. "Owner?"

"Now cut that out!" the voice yelled.

"Come on out where we can see you, Manga Kahn" Captain Atom yelled through cupped hands.

"I'm not Manga Kahn."

"That's Manga Kahn's ship" Beetle yelled.

"Not anymore."

Captain Atom blinked. "Fine. Come out whomever you are so we can see you and stop yelling."

A humanoid alien in what is best described as intergalactic overalls and a baseball cap descended the ramp. "I am Bild Zhee."

Captain Atom raised his eyebrows as he landed. "Bilgy? Like in bad smelling water?"

Beetle rubbed the back of his head. "I didn't even think bilgy was an adjective."

Booster turned to him. "Don't look at me. I was a Health major."

"I seek the owner of Sue Dibny."

The Elongated Man stood arms akimbo. "I'm her husband, if that's what you mean."

"Whatever. I wish to purchase her from you." Bild Zhee handed the Elongated Man a list. "I have prepared a number of package offers. However, I can custom make a package for you, based on your personal--"

The Elongated Man crushed the paper in his hand. "No sale."

"Really, I don't think you've given my proposal a good look see. You'll find a number of barter options in addition to--"

"Stow it." The Elongated Man turned on his heel, tossed the paper over his shoulder, and stomped back toward his house. "If this is your idea of a joke, Booster..."

"Hey, I have nothing to do with this."

"Please, Extruded Man--"

"It's Elongated Man."

"My proposal is sincere. I even have a rare Alderan purple goat!"

"But sir," the computer voice intoned.

"Not now, Nah-Nik-Uhl."

"Look, I don't care if you have a purple goat or ring around the collar. I can't sell you Sue. She's dead."

"Dead? Nah-Nik-Uhl, explain, please."

"The termination of organic animation, sir."

"Ah. I see. Well, I can fix that."

Chapter 5

Captain Atom punched Bild Zhee in the mouth, knocking him to the lawn.

"You Earthers have an unusual negotiating style." Bild Zhee picked himself up off the lawn.

Captain Atom put his arms akimbo and grimaced at the alien. "How dare you tell a man who just lost his wife that you can bring her back from the dead!"

Bild Zhee dusted himself. "I can."

Captain Atom punched Bild Zhee in the mouth, knocking him to the lawn. Bild Zhee looked up at Beetle and Booster.

"I don't think he believes you," Beetle said.

"It's true. If she hasn't been dead too long, I can bring her back." Bild Zhee picked himself up off the lawn, eying the fuming Captain Atom the entire way up. "For a price."

Captain Atom raised his fist to punch Bild Zhee again, only to find it restrained by the Elongated Man's arm. "Wait, Cap. Let him speak."

"In my travels I have come across a method to create a new body at its present stage of development. I have purchased a device that can reconstitute a diffusing soul and focus it into a body. And I have found a substance that will glue the focused soul to the new body. I have the method and the device on board the ship. What I don't have is the substance."

Booster raised an eyebrow. "Fat lot of good that does us."

"This is where the deal comes in. I'll use the device and method if you'll procure the substance."

Booster stroked his chin. "What's the substance?"

"Milk from the giant sea cows of Begazal."

Booster frowned. "Sounds gross. Where's Aquaman when you really need him?"

Beetle folded his arms across his chest. "What's the catch?"

"You have negotiated before."

"I have. The catch."

"The method and the device are very expensive to use, so what I ask would truly be fair compensation."

Captain Atom pulled his fist back. "The catch."

"If I bring her back to life, I get to keep her."

Captain Atom punched Bild Zhee in the mouth, knocking him to the lawn.

"Is that a no?"

Captain Atom pulled his fist back. "You've barely felt 'No' yet, mister." At the word "barely" the Elongated Man felt a chill run down his neck.

"Stop, Captain. If you guys will help me get the sea cow milk, I agree to your terms, Bilgy."

Chapter 6

"Quit stalling." The Blue Beetle frowned violently through his goggles at the alien, who was fiddling with buttons and slides at the end of what looked like an electronic tennis racket. Booster Gold leaned back from Beetle against the wall of the Elongated Man's home and stared at his teammate.

"Wow. I've never seen this side of you before, Beetle."

"That's because you've never worked for me before."

"How fortunate for him," Bild Zhee muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

Bild Zhee continued to look at the handle end of the racket. "I said I would merely like some credit for what I have already done."

"So you've cloned another body of Sue Dibny. Big deal."

Booster looked at the Elongated Man and Captain Atom staring into the futuristic butter dish at the other end of Ralph's living room. "Actually, that's pretty impressive."

Beetle shot him a glance. "We can clone people."

"But, I mean, to her current age and everything, that's kind of impressive."

"You didn't negotiate your own football contracts, did you?"

"No. Why?"

Bild Zhee pushed the bill of his baseball cap up. "I'm already operating against my trading rules here even cloning the body before I get the milk from you. It's not my normal negotiating style."

Beetle crossed his arms across his chest. "Would you rather Captain Atom showed you more of his negotiating style?"

"No, thank you. I'd just like some trust on your part."

Beetle threw his hands up in air. "Trust? We don't know you from Adam, you come here in Manga Kahn's ship telling a heartbroken man you can bring his wife back from the dead but only if he gives her to you, and you want trust."

Bild Zhee pulled a sack of stones from his pants pocket. "Yes."

Booster ran his fingers through his hair. "How'd you get Manga Kahn's ship, anyway?"

"Payment for a debt."

Beetle's eyes narrowed. "What kind of debt?"

"He was several years behind on his operating system fees. You see, I designed the Meer-Uzz operating system all of his computers and ship controls run under and the high courts ruled I was due a royalty for every transaction made using them."

Beetle looked up in calculation. "But even our computers make millions of calculations in--"

Booster slapped Beetle on the back. "That's brilliant! You know, I was thinking of going back into the endorsement business and I could use a business manager."

"Sorry. I merely tour space and collect royalties and novelties."

Beetle frowned at Bild Zhee. "Is that what Sue is to you, a novelty?"

"No. She is the rarest of creature: a beautiful and brilliant woman capable of organizing the unorganizable."

Booster shrugged. "That sounds right."

Meanwhile the Elongated Man stared forlornly into the case holding a body that looked exactly like his wife."

"Ralph, you probably shouldn't be staring at it like that."

"You can't begin to know how much I miss her."

"I was married. A man I despised married my wife and raised my kids. And they were all older than me in a heartbeat."

"But she wasn't dead when you leaped."

"Point."

Elongated Man knitted his fingers. "Do you think he can really do it, Cap?"

"Well, before I became I ball of living quantum energy encased in a shell of alien metal, I would have said 'No.'"

"And now?"

"I'd say probably not."

"That's better than 'No.'"

Bild Zhee poured the red gemstones into the compartment of the racket. "I could have the throne of several worlds for what I just poured into this device."

Beetle pounded his fist into his hand. "Less griping, more soul catching."

Bild Zhee pressed switches on the handle and began waving the racket slowly through the air, almost like a bubble wand.

"Beetle, did we leave the stereo on?"

"No. Why?"

"'Cause I hear singing."

The room began to vibrate with the most beautiful harmony any of them had ever heard. They all wept openly as the sound filled the room. Everything seemed to get warmer, lighter, and brighter. And then there was a loud, sizzling crackle. And then silence.

"Would someone tell me why I am laying in a trophy case? And why I can see myself lying in a trophy case?"

Chapter 7

"So what brings you gentlemen to my door?" the large, round, and prodigiously female Zoofi Knist Boorham asked, putting her thick but tapered fingers in her voluminous purple hair. "Business..." She looked at Booster Gold with a twinkle in her eye. "...Or pleasure."

Booster Gold stood in the middle next to Captain Atom with the Blue Beetle on his outside and the Elongated Man on Captain Atom's outside, holding Sue, in the Soul Catcher, at his hip. While Booster stared blank-faced, Captain Atom proffered a hand. "Business, I'm afraid. I'm Captain Atom."

Zoofi smiled, took the hand and shook it. "Of the fabled Justice League. We have heard of you, even here."

Booster held up a finger. "Well, about us being the-- Ow." Beetle elbowed Booster.

Captain Atom folded his hands across his pelvis. "We have come on a mission. We need to get some Begazali Sea Cow milk."

"We have some freshly milked for sale right now. How much do you need?"

Elongated Man's nose started twitching. "You sell Begazali Sea Cow milk?"

"Yes. Of course. It is our premium beverage, but also the one we're most famous for here at my trading post." Zoofi opened the door to her larder and began searching through it with her eyes. "Now, it will cost you dearly, I must warn you. But the finest things generally do."

Elongated Man frowned. "Bilgy didn't say anything about having to buy--"

"Bild Zhee?" Zoofi stopped, frozen for a moment.

Booster looked over at Beetle and whispered "Boy, am I glad I wasn't the one who said that."

She closed the door to her larder and turned back to the group. "Bild Zhee knows the price of Begazali Sea Cow milk. Tell him if he pays it he can have it. Tell him everything is still ready if he's changed his mind."

Captain Atom scratched his head. "Ma'am, according to him, we're supposed to milk one of these sea cows ourselves."

"Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Her gelatinous girth shook violently.

Booster frowned and whispered an aside to Beetle. "Man, that's so annoying."

"Like you have room to talk."

"Well, Begazali law does allow for the stupid to try and milk sea cows on their own, but usually people come back without the milk." She pulled a map from the pouch on her side. "Or they don't come back at all." She handed the map to Captain Atom. "This will show you how to get to their beach from here."

"Ralph, this sounds dangerous. Maybe you'd better not."

Zoofi's eyes bulged. "Your weapon talks."

"It's not a weapon. And we're going. In fact--" The Elongated Man handed the Soul Catcher to Zoofi. "Please hang onto this until we return."

"You are not leaving me here, Ralph!"

"Look, you asked to come down, I brought you down. I did as I said. I'm not going to lose you just because you want to know what's going on. You know Beetle, Booster, and Cap. You trust Beetle and Cap."

Booster looked crestfallen. "Hey, what about me?"

"You trust Beetle and Cap. I'm asking you to trust me."

Sue grunted. "Fine. But be careful."

The four trudged out the door and toward the sea. Zoofi inspected the Soul Catcher. "It looks like we'll have a little time to visit. What should I call you?"

"Sue is fine."

"Sue? With the Justice League? Are you Sue Dibny?"

"Yes. I am, but how do you know me?"

"Honey, we need to talk."

Chapter 8

Booster Gold stood looking at the mountainous animals on the beach ahead. "Man, they're even bigger than Zoofi."

Captain Atom landed, slowly releasing an exhale. He began drawing in the sand at the feet of him, Booster, the Blue Beetle, and the Elongated Man. "Okay. Here's the plan. I will gently restrain this one that's apart from the herd while Ralph stretches his hands in and gently milks one of the udders. Booster, Beetle?"

Booster looked at him with seriousness. "Yeah."

"I want you to stay here and do absolutely nothing."

"But, but--" Booster stammered.

"Guys, we have to get this one right. It's for Sue."

Booster kicked some sand. "Fine. Go already."

Captain Atom flew off, carrying the Elongated Man with him.

"You didn't have to embarrass them like that, Nate."

"This is for Sue. There's no room for their horseplay in this."

"Man, when you get serious, you get serious."

"Let's do it." Captain Atom landed them a few discreet yards away from the large, blobby creature. It was built along the same lines as a manatee, with its mammary glands protruding from just under its flippers. But it had wild, evil eyes and its mouth was full row after row of very sharp teeth. The sea cow flipped onto it's back. Captain Atom nodded to the Elongated Man. "Now."

Captain Atom crept in and restrained the large flipper, larger than he was, as Ralph placed the funnel on the organ and began to massage it.

"Anything, Ralph?"

"I think I feel something happening." Unfortunately, what he felt happening was the spasm of the flipper, smacking him hard, sending his lower half of his body rocketing out like a paddle-ball ball and string. Captain Atom hung on futilely to the flipper, flailing in the air. Meanwhile Ralph had elastically interlaced his fingers around the gland, trying to hang on. The sea cow rolled over and flopped into the water, dragging Captain Atom and the Elongated Man with it, dunking them into the water with each of its powerful strokes.

"Booster, we have to do something!"

Booster smiled. "Cap said to do nothing."

"Come on, man. Now is not the time to be petty."

"It's hard to think of a better one. Besides, the only thing I can think to do is to call Aquaman on my Justice League emergency signal."

"Which part slipped your mind, Booster: the part where we aren't in the Justice League anymore, the part where Aquaman left the Justice League, the part where we're light years away from Earth, or the part where Aquaman has no freaking way to get here?"

"I never said it was a good plan."

The sea cow began jumping high into the air and then crashing down into the water, Captain Atom and the Elongated Man hanging on desperately.

"Come on, man. We have to think of something."

"All I can think of is that Aquaman or the Martian Manhunter could calm that beast down in a heartbeat." Booster watched another powerful dive. "Man, they're taking a savage beating."

Beetle stroked his chin then snapped his fingers. "Savage beast. That's it."

"That's what?"

"You've got to go back to Zoofi's place and get Sue."

"Wait a minute. Since when do you give me orders?"

"I'm not giving you orders. You're the only one left who can fly. Go get Sue."

"What for?"

Beetle threw his hands up in the air. "For crying out loud, Booster, get her before they get killed!"

Booster flew back to Zoofi's trading post.

"Trust me. This will work. I promise."

Zoofi sipped from her cup and looked at the Soul Catcher. "I sincerely hope so."

"Sue, you have to come quick!"

"Why?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Why does this not surprise me?"

Booster snatched up the Soul Catcher and flew back to Beetle.

The sea cow was now doing pirouettes as it lurched from the water. The Elongated Man's legs were whipping about like a wayward kite string. Captain Atom was visibly straining. It appeared to Beetle the sea cow's high jumps and relatively soft landings were coming from Captain Atom trying to fly with the huge creature.

"Here's Sue. But I don't understand why you're bringing her after Ralph said not too."

"Because music hath charms to soothe the savage beast."

"Isn't that 'savage breast?'"

"I think it's beast" Sue said. "Do you want me to sing?"

"No, Sue. This thing will do the singing. Assuming I remember what he did." Beetle depressed the switches and slides on the handle, then began waving the soul catcher through the air. Once again it began emitting the deep, emotional harmonies as before. The other sea cows rolled onto their backs and lolled. The one with Captain Atom and the Elongated Man swam ashore and laid on its back. Ralph spit out water from his mouth and then began massaging the organ again. "It's happening this time, Nate."

"Hooray," Captain Atom said, then let go of the flipper and fell to the sand. Ralph continued to massage until the receptacle at the end of the funnel was full. He then stretched up a big "okay" sign to Beetle. "Cap, if you're conscious, we really need to get out of here."

"Roger that." He picked up the Elongated Man and flew back toward the group.

Booster watched as Beetle turned the device off. "Wow, Beetle. I never would have thought of trying music."

"It would have been the first thing I would have thought of, myself. Any woman would. I guess that's why the galaxy's richest sea cow wrangler is a woman."

"Hear that, Ted; you think like a woman."

"That's not what she said!"

"We have the milk, baby!" Ralph said to the Soul Catcher.

"Great. So when exactly were you going to tell me you sold me to Bilgy?"

Chapter 9

As Bild Zhee's spaceship ascended slowly into the sky and Captain Atom watched the door of Ralph Dibny's house close in front of him, the Blue Beetle ejected a button sized cartridge from the side of his goggles and got into the front seat of his car.

Closing the door, he flipped a seemingly innocuous panel to reveal a viewscreen and video player interface. He inserted the cartridge into the player as Captain Atom opened the passenger side door and got in.

"Man, you have such gimmicks. You ought to build a suit with a whole bunch of these devices built in."

Beetle turned to the Captain. "I did. Booster is wearing it."

"No. I mean like a war suit for yourself."

Beetle shook his head. "Nah. It doesn't make much sense for a guy with a heart condition to be lugging around a suit of armor on his back." Beetle used the touch screen to take the digital recording back to their last moments aboard Bild Zhee's ship. "Cap, I want you to watch this and tell me if you see what I see."

On the screen, Sue Dibny slowly drank the sea cow milk, gaining strength with each swallow. "That has to be the most delicious thing I have ever tasted." She then threw the glass at the Elongated Man, which careened off his head into the wall, then clattering to the floor. "Ow. What's that for?"

"You sold me, Ralph Dibny! That's what that's for!"

"But Sue, I love you and I miss you and I would have done anything to get you back."

"Including selling me into white slavery?"

The Elongated Man's face reddened. "Well, see, um..."

Bild Zhee shrugged. "Sue, I don't think it's entirely fair to call life with me 'white slavery.'"

Sue snapped her head in Bild Zhee's direction. "Was I talking to you?"

"But--"

"Am I talking to you now?"

Booster rested his chin in his hand. "That's a tough one."

Sue whirled to Booster. "Am I talking to you?"

"No. No. Sorry."

Ralph held his hands in front plaintively. "I just thought that one more time with you would be worth whatever I had to pay to get it."

"You paid with me! I'm not yours to pay with!" Sue whirled to Bild Zhee. "Are we back to Earth yet?"

Bild Zhee looked at Captain Atom and then at the camera, which was to say at Beetle. "Answer," Beetle said.

"Yes. We're touching down even now."

"Then get away from me!" Bild Zhee began walking away. "Not you! Him! And the rest of you goofballs! Go home!"

Captain Atom walked past Beetle. As Ralph was walking past, Sue said "You, too, Beetle!" The camera panned to the exit.

The Blue Beetle stopped the recording and backed it up a few digital frames. "Do you see it?"

"Yeah. I saw. Booster stowed away in that closet!"

"Huh? That's not what I mean, but now that you mention it, he did. Great. Just great. But before we figure out how we're going to rescue him, I need to know what you make of this." Beetle zeroed in and tightened the focus of the frame on Ralph's face.

The Elongated Man was smiling.

Chapter 10

"Is she still leaking?" Bild Zhee stared forlornly at the door to Sue's cabin.

"They call it sobbing," Nah-Nik-Uhl responded from an overhead speaker. "And yes, she is."

Bild Zhee threw open his palms. "Is this...normal?"

"From records, sir, this is common at times of great sorrow."

"What would be the source of this sorrow? Clearly being with me is a positive transaction."

"Custom suggests that she is missing her former consort."

--§--

"Okay, fine. You win. I'll let you in." The Elongated Man closed the door behind the Blue Beetle and Captain Atom. "How many times do I have to tell you guys not to talk to me before you'll actually leave me alone?"

Captain Atom folded his hands across his chest. "Cut the crap, Ralph. We've got a problem and we have to know what's going on."

"What do you mean 'What's going on?' There's nothing going on. I traded life without Sue for Sue being alive. End of story."

Beetle pointed a finger at the Elongated Man. "There's a coda to this story, Ralph."

Captain Atom raised an eyebrow. "Coda?"

Ralph looked at him. "It means tail. Although I might have used 'denoument' myself."

Beetle placed his right arm akimbo. "You're stalling, Ralph. What's going on with you and Sue, and why did you have Booster stay on the ship?"

The Elongated Man started to turn his flexible neck away. "There's n-" His head snapped back. "Did you say Booster was still on the ship?"

--§--

"She misses the rubber one? But she threw a drinking vessel at him."

Booster stepped out from behind a corner. "That's a woman for you."

"If you've come back to take the woman from me--"

"Slow down, Jackson. I just stepped into the wrong door when I was trying to leave. By the time I figured out how to get out of it, you'd already blasted back off."

"Computer, plot a course back to Earth so I can drop him back off."

"Well, in return, I think I can help you with your problem."

"How so?"

"I happen to be an expert on Earth women."

"So how do I stop her from leaking?"

"I have no idea."

--§--

"Blast it. I hope he doesn't screw everything up."

Blue Beetle and Captain Atom followed the Elongated Man's outstretched head to a trophy case. "A little help here, Ralph. What is he going to screw up?"

"Think about it, Nate. How many times have you seen me and Sue fight in front of you?"

"A serious fight? None."

"So what does that tell you?"

"You keep your fights to yourselves?"

Beetle examined a trophy on Sue's side of the case. It was the Best Freshman Actor award. "Not quite, Cap."

--§--

"I thought you said you were an expert."

"I am. And a cardinal rule of dealing with women is if you want to understand one, you'd better ask another one."

"That is absolutely useless."

"Actually, sir, anecdotally this is reported in several Earth texts."

"But where am I going to find a woman to consult?"

Booster smiled. "Well, I know of one you have on speed dial."

--§--

Beetle frowned. "You could have let us in on it, Ralph."

"Not without possibly tipping off Bilgy. His whole ship is a listening device, remember?"

Captain Atom stroked his chin. "So how did Sue tip you off?"

"By fighting with me."

"That's it?"

"Well, she also threw the glass with the wrong hand."

Beetle scratched his head. "Is that some sort of code?"

"I'm pretty screwed if it isn't."

Captain Atom leaned against the case. "So how do we catch up to Bilgy's ship?"

--§--

Zoofi Knist Boorham appeared on the monitor screen.

"Your transmission is very strong considering how far we are from Begazal."

"I am traveling, actually. I have subspace forwarding. What can I do for you?"

"I, well, need your help. The Earth female is leaking and I don't know how to get her to stop."

"The one you threw me over for?"

"Zoofi--"

"We had a deal, Bild Zhee. Still, I won't force you into a contract you don't want. So what can I do for you?"

"I'd like you to find out why she's leaking and how to get her to stop."

"Fine. Beam me your coordinates and I'll plot an intercept vector."

--§--

"You don't catch up to it, gentlemen. I do."

Captain Atom, Blue Beetle, and the Elongated Man leaned back from the shimmering, materializing form of Zoofi Knist Boorham.

Chapter 11

Zoofi Knist Boorham softly closed the door to Sue's compartment and smiled a crooked smile at Bild Zhee. "You've been rooked."

"I've been what?"

"Rooked. Cheated. Sold a bill of goods."

Bild Zhee tossed his hat to the floor. "I know what it means. What I want to know is why you say that?"

"Because you will never get what you purchased."

Bild Zhee glared at Booster Gold, who was leaning back nonchalantly against the wall. "Tell me why on Earth did I bother to listen to you, Earthman?"

"Well, you see, I said I was an--"

"Shut up." Bild Zhee snapped his head to Zoofi. "Why do you say I do not have what I purchased? I have the woman. Her owner isn't trying to take her back. Obviously I have gotten what I want."

"Like most males, you have absolutely no understanding of women. You may have her body, but you will never have her heart."

"Isn't the heart contained within the body?"

"Spirit, you computer hack. You'll never have her spirit."

"I gathered that back up with the Soulcatcher."

Zoofi threw her arms up in frustration. "She will never regard you the same way, or even an equivalent way, as she does the stretchy one."

"She told you that?"

Zoofi snorted. "Of course not; she didn't have to. I can see it in her eyes. I can hear it in her voice."

"All I hear is boo hoo hoo, or something like that."

"That's because you're a man."

"That again."

"No matter what wonders you show her, no matter what places you'll take her, she'll never think of you first. If you got lucky, she might think of you...eventually."

"This isn't logical."

"It doesn't matter. It's how we work. When we love someone, that's who we think about. That's where we are. And with true love, it cannot be tempted. Even with an Alderan purple goat."

"So, she'll never be my consort?"

"Oh, I am sure she will. She'll just make you regret it for the rest of your lives."

"The economy of this situation is decidedly not in my favor."

"There is a way for you to recoup your losses; sell her back to the stretchy one. You have to go back to Earth to drop him off anyway." She tossed her thumb at Booster.

"He cannot have anything of value."

"Remember, he's a Justice League member. He may have more of value than you think."

--§--

Ralph gently patted the purple goat with an elongated hand. "He's a very pretty animal."

The Blue Beetle smiled. "Too bad we can't keep him."

The Elongated Man frowned at him. "I want my wife back."

"I wasn't-- I was just--"

"We'll get your wife back." Captain Atom sipped some coffee.

Ralph combed the goat's hair. "Why isn't she back yet?"

Beetle shifted his feet. "'Cause they're flying in his ship. Remember what she said, that her Grahani-Zmiff powered ship was easily faster than Bilgy's, but no one buys her operating system compared to his."

The little box on Ralph's coffee table let out one small ding. "It's showtime."

Bild Zhee's ship landed once again on the street in front of Ralph's house. After a moment, there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Beetle said in a falsetto.

The Elongated Man smacked him with a hand as he stretched to the door. He undid the locks and let Bild Zhee, Zoofi, and Booster in the front door.

Captain Atom put down his coffee cup. "I ought to wring your neck, Booster."

"Just like you corralled that sea cow."

Bild Zhee motioned for silence. "Gentlemen. I have an important matter to discuss with the Exacerbated Man."

The goat bleated. Bild Zhee turned and saw it. His eyes widened, but he quickly narrowed them again. "I have been thinking. You and Sue have spent large amounts of your life together, and it was through your efforts that I even had a chance to have her, so I think it's only fair for me to give you one last opportunity to get her back. But given the large amounts of capital I have already expended on, I really require something in return."

"Well, I can write you a check for about a million right now."

"Your local currency is fairly useless to me. However, you do have a couple of items of value to other cultures. That cup Captain Atom is drinking from, for instance. Oh, and I might have some use for that goat."

"I'm sorry. You can't have it."

Bild Zhee swallowed.

"That cup has been in my family for years."

Bild Zhee sighed. "The cup and the goat."

Ralph stroked his chin. "Okay. You have a deal." Ralph turned his arm into a makeshift leash for the goat and walked with Bild Zhee to the ship.

"I have to apologize for the condition she is in. She has been leaking."

After the door closed behind them, Zoofi picked up her alarm and put it in her bag. "Thank you for your help."

Captain Atom shook her hand. "No, thank you. Let's just hope the rest goes as you hope."

"Oh, it will. Or the goat will eat the little snot."

Beetle punched Booster playfully in the arm. "I still can't believe she had you in on this."

"Hey, if I can sell a play action pass or a pump fake, I can certainly get a guy to make a phone call."

"Ssh." Zoofi admonished.

Bild Zhee opened the door as Ralph carried the sobbing Sue into the house. "Thanks, Bilgy, for everything."

"You're welcome. If you figure out how to stop the leaking, let me know. Apparently it's a closely held secret that is very valuable. And speaking of valuable, Zoofi, I wish to reopen our negotiations. May I take you to your ship?" He crooked his elbow.

Zoofi slipped her arm into his. "Certainly. Good bye, Justice League." The two walked out of the door, sideways to accommodate Zoofi's bulk. Captain Atom closed the door behind them. Sue immediately stopped crying.

Beetle and Booster walked toward the door. Captain Atom turned to Sue. "I don't understand. After all he's done and not done, she still wants to be with him. Why?"

"She loves him, Nate." Sue turned to Ralph. "And I love you." She planted a long, lingering kiss on Ralph, one that ended long after Captain Atom, Blue Beetle, and Booster Gold had departed.

--||The Living End||--