In the fall of 1977, I started high school. And I first met Star Wars.
Now, I had known Star Trek since grade school, and we definitely "dated" in junior high, but it was that whole innocent puppy love junior high
thing where you don't really know what you're doing, you know? And Logan's Run and I went out once and she showed me her tits, which was
awesome, but that's about as far as it got.
Star Wars was my first real girlfriend. Oh, Star Trek and I still hung out, but it was Star Wars that I was totally making out with in the
basement while the parents were upstairs, who I took to all the dances, who hung out with me and all my guy friends. And man, was she a
hottie. I'm talking totally hot -- great tits that she'd let me suck on, she had a great, sexy figure, she was a total tease but really good at giving
you enough to go home and finish yourself off. And she was smart and funny and charming enough that you just loved being around her.
The thing about Star Wars, though, was that she was kind of a flake. She didn't want us to be exclusive at all, so I did date others -- Star Trek
and I went out once, and even though she totally tried to make herself as hot as she could -- and she did look hot -- she just didn't have the sex
appeal that Star Wars had, and we'd been friends for so long when we were younger that it just felt weird, you know? I mean, I knew she liked
me in that way, and I was a teenager which meant that I'd totally take advantage of her if she wanted me to, but at the same time I was still
totally lusting for Star Wars.
I mean, Star Trek was hot, yeah, but in the more bookish, mousey, "Bailey Quarters" type that you knew that if she was given a chance, by the
time she got to college she'd be just as sexy as Star Wars was, but in high school it was all about how far you could get, and you just knew
eventually you could get Star Wars to put out.
But like I said, I dated others -- I went out with Battlestar Galactica just because I heard she'd put out, but it was so weird, and she was such a
slut that I couldn't go through with it. Close Encounters of the Third Kind and I got along great, but just as friends. Alien and I went out once, but
she was a little too freaky for me to deal with. And The Black Hole was pretty skanky, and Flash Gordon was a total stupid blonde bimbo.
But it was always about Star Wars, man. She and I kept getting together (okay, there was that whole weird thing where I want to Thanksgiving
Dinner with her family and Bea Arthur was there, and her folks got into an argument and the whole dysfunctional family thing put us both off, but
we snuck off for a moment and she gave me a handjob, so there was that).
During the summer of '80, she almost put out -- by then, Star Wars and I had gotten pretty damned serious, and she was definitely my first
fingerbang, but right at the crucial moment, she totally flaked on me, and pulled the whole "I need my space" thing. You know -- "I want to wait
until it's special." That whole thing. Okay, I was willing to wait until it was "special" if that meant it was good for her, too -- I mean, this was true
love, right? I'm a seventeen-year-old kid, she's super hot, I want to get laid, I'll do whatever it takes. If that means waiting, then I'll wait.
And then we kinda drifted apart. After all, she went off to school out of town, and I briefly dated her cousin Raiders of the Lost Ark (who turned
out to be a total moron, but that one summer we had a great thing going). And the next summer, Star Trek came home from college and MAN!
had she turned into a knockout. And now that I think about it, she was my first adult relationship, and that's as indiscrete as I chose to get out of
respect for her. But I'll say this -- she learned a lot since our date in high school, and it was good enough that she and I had a regular
"friends with benefits" relationship throughout the '80s.
I remember Starcrash was a total skank, and Battle Beyond the Stars was just... well, I'm not going to be impolite, so let's just say she was a "c"
Excalibur was a dirty, dirty young lady, and she taught me a few things I didn't know, and those got me in good with Conan the Barbarian. Now,
Conan turned into a pretty vapid little bitch, and she introduced me to some total skanks like Beastmaster, Hawk the Slayer and Sword and
Sorcery -- man, you can't wash those girls off you.
Anyway, Star Wars finally comes home from school, and by now I've had some experience, I figure she had, and I'm thinking, "At last!" You
know, unresolved business. And we make plans to get together, and I'm excited, and we get together...
... And she had totally turned into this utter early eighties bimbo, with the leg warmers, and the teased hair and the spandex and tube top, and
way too much makeup, and that whole Cyndi Lauper vibe...
And yeah, we did it, and okay, so, even the worst orgasm in the world is still pretty good, but man! was it unsatisfying. Major disappointment
overall. And the more time passed, the more I forgot about how great she had been when we first met and the more I focused on what a total
airhead bimbo she'd turned into. Looking back on it, I think she'd even turned into a coke head.
So time passed and there were other women in my life (I don't want to brag, but Aliens and I had a thing for a while, as did Batman and I --
looking back on that one, I realize it was a major mistake, but I was kind of into goth chicks for a while -- and as I said, I had the whole thing
where Star Trek and I still got together on a semi-regular basis. I even dated her kid sister who was much more shallow than she was but okay
in the sack -- not great, but okay. After that, the rest of her family kept coming over, but man, how boring they were -- the pompous cousin, the
stupid aunt, and that sad youngest sister who kept wanting to do it while pretending we were her two older sisters the whole time.
I seem to remember some of the best sex I ever had was with Blade Runner, and I remember years later thinking Dark City reminded me a lot
of her. I think I might have been Labyrinth's first -- I remember she was really sweet, and it was really tender, and I just felt bad after. Her older
sister Dark Crystal was a pretty freaky chick, but sometimes I'm into that.
Dragonslayer was one of those who we all passed around and laughed at behind her back at the time. I shagged her rotten. Ran into her a few
years later and found out she'd turned into a really cool person, and felt really guilty about how we'd all treated her.
I remember Outland doing a bunch of guys at a party once.
And there was that night that Galaxina snuck in my room and woke me up by giving me a blowjob. Since then I've learned to lock the door.
There was a lot of dryhumping with Last Starfighter and her older sister Tron, but never any penetration.
Enemy Mine kept calling me wanting to "hang out and do stuff," but I wasn't interested. Robocop was totally into hardcore S&M and B&D, which
frightened me at the time. I could handle it now, but not then. I kept running into Terminator at these really raucus parties where we'd end up waking up the next morning in bed together, barely remembering what we'd done.
Speaking of which, I remember waking up one morning and discovering Dune in the bed next to me, and not really remembering what happened
at the time, and she kept calling me and I just felt uncomfortable about the whole thing, and my friends all laughed at me (like she hadn't done
them, right?) because we'd be sitting there and she'd just show up and try to get my attention -- "Hi! Hi! What'cha doin'? Hi!" Ugh.
But as years go by, I realized I was kinda mean to Dune and that she wasn't as bad as I thought she was. That girl did have a look I really dug. I
still can't get over how much she loved Sting, though. Bleaugh.
I remember all my friends thinking Buckaroo Banzai was totally hot, but I just thought she was okay. I mean, yeah, I'd do her, but just because
she'd put out -- no emotional connection, and certainly no chemistry between us. Nice girl, just not my type.
I remember having a real grudge fuck thing with Escape Velocity.
Highlander was this wacky theatre-chick-type with weird self esteem issues. Great for a one nighter, but not one you want to keep even as a
friend... and looking back on it, Highlander was the one who kept showing up at weird hours of the night. She turned into a stalker, and if I
remember right, I might've threatened her with a restraining order until she finally left me alone.
Same with Stargate, who I just thought was a bitch.
Anyway, years go by and I run into Star Wars again. Now, by this time I had been in a major relationship with Babylon 5, and when that ended I
was living with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. So I was pretty much serious about them, but they were into this whole "open relationship"
thing, which meant I was casually seeing others. And I did -- I had just started dating this chick Matrix (who turned out to be a total psycho, but
that's another story).
So, like I said, I ran into Star Wars again, and even though we'd kind of kept in touch we hadn't really seen one another since that disasterous
night together. So I heard she was coming back in town, and I looked forward to it -- I pulled out the old yearbooks, I listened to all our old songs,
and just did my best to remember who I was when she and I first dated. I figured that, after that one nighter, anything that happened between us
was just a bonus, so let's try to remember the innocent times.
And it's a good thing I did, because it turned out that she'd pretty much turned into one of those people whose work had become their life, and
that's all they can talk about, you know? She looked great, and it was great to hear her voice and to see her again -- she'd kept her figure, still
had those fabulous tits, and that perfect ass...
... But her personality had changed, and even though it was her, it wasn't, you know? And somehow I knew that's how it was going to be, so it
was okay that it wasn't the Star Wars I remembered from high school. I know a lot of people who knew her back then who just got catty and
bitchy about how much she'd changed, how they barely recognized her, how shallow she'd gotten, but I didn't care because after that night we'd
had together, I knew that was the kind of person she was going to become, I'd heard about the idiot she'd recently married that she brought
along --man, did he annoy a lot of people I knew. I didn't hate him, but I certainly didn't want to spend a lot of time with him, and since she was so
clearly in love with him, I didn't mind. I mean, it was her, you know?
So like I said, it was nice seeing her again, and I heard she was coming back in a couple of years, and I looked forward to seeing her again.
Again, a lot of people I know thought she'd turned into a vapid whore and couldn't see past her husband, but not me. For me, it was nice to just
see an old friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and I was looking forward to keeping in touch.
And in the meantime, I'd gotten into this totally great hardcore sexual relationship with The Lord of the Rings that was a real toe-curler, if you
know what I mean, so it didn't really matter.
And when Star Wars came back again, her husband just kind of sat there (I could tell the relationship was souring), and she wanted to talk
about her kids who just weren't that interesting, but I smiled and looked at the pictures and told her they were adorable, and all the while the
husband is bored while she goes on about the old days, and he leaves early and she's a little drunk and talking about how things used to be,
and she even offered to give me a blow job in the car, and I turn her down because I'm totally into Lord of the Rings (because by now the thing
with Buffy/Angel had started to sour) and besides, she needs to get home and get some sleep because she's got a long drive in the morning.
Well, the thing with Lord of the Rings ended as all these things do, and I was available again, and I got a call from Star Wars, and it turned out
she was in town for the week and she'd recently divorced and her ex had the kids that weekend. And I had seen a picture of her recently, and
she'd really done a lot to keep her looks. So we went out and had a fun evening of reminiscing and yeah, we ended up in bed together...
... and the whole time, I was thinking of Firefly.
Got a text message last summer from Star Wars, wanting to see if I wanted to get together and talk about what she'd been doing, and she sent
me a camera phone picture, and she'd gotten all this plastic surgery and just looked pathetic. I didn't even bother texting her back.
Besides... even though she's graduating at the end of the school year and moving out of town, I've kind of been having this fling with Battlestar
Galactica's daughter. And it's been really, really dirty.