Dear ????,
I am writing this to no one in particular, Just the faceless person in the
future who may mean more to me than my very own life.
I felt the overwhelming need to just start writing, how I feel and what I think.
I may never grow up to be what everyone expects of me. I may become such a snob or a pathetic person who cannot give love to others. Or maybe I will become the kind of person who feels like no one loves them and thus shuts down.
Whatever kind of person I do become, I know I will not always fit in or be always sought after by people. But I also know I am loved by people who have watched me grow up and to them I am still the little girl they have always known. They don't know about the little boy who bullied and abused me. Or how the guy I almost married treated me. To them I am just Audra, quiet, thoughtful, in the background. I was 16 when I found out I had a condition that would change how I viewed everything. Whether or not I should marry or even if I could have children. Maybe that bone
specialist was wrong, but he told me what would happen in such minute detail should I ever neglect my health or try to have children. I have had episodes where I had problems breathing. Almost became disfigured by my condition. I have seen others with this very same condition
and what would happen when they ignored the counsel they were given. I know what can happen to me, I thought when I was very young I would die young, But I was wrong. It was my cousin who died. My grandfather, my grandmothers' and my aunt. I lose the people I love. I am sometimes afraid to say even the words "I love you"
Because the people I have cared about the most have died, some of them horrible deaths. I cannot be afraid to love, I know that. But there is fear nonetheless. I was afraid I was unable to show love at one time, Then I met my ex, the chemistry was undeniable but we had nothing in common. I want more than just a chemistry reaction with someone anyway. I want someone who understands me, "gets" me. Has more in common with me.
Understands what it means to be ignored or hurt. Understands how it feels to be left outside looking in. Knows how it feels to lose the people you love, watch them in pain and feel so totally helpless because you cannot take that pain away.
I was told by someone once that I would go from a little girl to old woman with nothing in between. But is that really so terrible I don't know. It hurt to have this person say that to me, like I was to be pitied. Maybe I am , Maybe I am not. I really don't know. I do know this, I am loved by people I
didn't realize cared about me, because sometimes, out of the blue. For no real reason someone will come up to me and say how they feel about me or how they appreciate me, and I am overcome by their affection. I didn't know they felt that way. I am glad they told me. I realized
I don't say it to others often enough. But when I do, I don't get that reaction. I am told to go away, don't bother me. or I don't like you why are you speaking to me. I don't get heartfelt appreciation because I thought enough of someone and told them so.
I get rejection.
I have a hard enough time getting up the nerve to express myself without that. It is very hurtful. I don't say it very often as a result. I don't understand, I guess. I am not saying the words because I expect to hear them said back to me, or to get something from someone. It is because I feel it,
and the best way to let someone know is to say it. I also know that sometimes one has to show it. Show love to others by how we treat them, speak to them, etc., or that just perfect little gift that lets them know we know them very well. I am not always good at the treating or speaking part.
I do know how to give little gifts that fit a person if I know them well enough. But even that is tricky.
Then do they think you are trying to buy them? Maybe.
I was always the littlest girl, the quietest, the one most likely to be picked on or overlooked. Funny thing is when I see someone else being treated badly I can be very protective, stand up to whatever. but for myself I don't always do that.
My name can mean "storm", and the one I like best is "protector of her people" I wish I was like I was when I was a little girl, bubbly and loving, afraid of nothing and no one. No one was a stranger, I liked everybody.
I felt like everybody liked me.
But that little girl was killed by hate and meanness, by a little boy named Matthew. Who taught that little girl to be afraid, I hated him for that. Imagine me stunned when on the night I graduated he came up to me and said he was sorry, no explanation just sorry.
I couldn't really hate him anymore. I accepted his apology.
I just wish it could have undone a lot of what happened. I did do better after that for a while. I had a 3 year relationship that didn't work out, but we are still friends. I started a job that has lasted me so far 18 years. I have two sisters who got married and have had children, but I am stuck in a time warp. I don't look older, don't get treated like I am older and everyone else has married, moved away, has kids.
I only wanted that.
I never will have that.
When I do find someone who is attractive to me, they don't feel the same way. Or timing is just off. Whatever.
I just feel like I have to quit trying, because whenever I do try at a relationship I screw it up.
I am a huge failure in this one area. Every time.
Audra

ps: the best thing to happen to date is when my nephew says all of a sudden "I just love you, Audra" or "your so pretty"
Then, and just then do I really feel like that it is true....

Sometimes I feel the same way, Audra. At 38, everyone else in my family (4 brothers, 2 sisters) is married except for me - and that includes 2 who have been married twice and my oldest brother who is married to another man! I meet people I like, but don't feel the same about me - and then there are women who are really attracted to me but I just don't feel that way towards them. Some days I want to give in to despair because I get lonely, but I know that I have to keep plugging along. I sometimes think maybe I am not trying hard enough or I am too choosy when it comes to women who like me, but then I see the failed marriages theat friends and family have had and it reminds me that I have made the right decisions by not rushing into relationships or trying to shoehorn feelings in a relationship where there aren't any for fear of being alone. That is not fair to you or the other person in question. Just reading this from you shows me that there are other like minded people out there and that there may yet be someone out there for me. Keep your mind open to meeting new people, even if you do not make a love connection very often I find that I still meet new and interesting people - and hey, maybe they will introduce me to one of their friends! So chin up, Audra - from the posts I have read of yours here, you strike me as a wonderful person and it's just a matter of time until some lucky guy connects with you - and for those that don't, well they are just missing out!

I need to read this again, more closely, but I I can feel what you are saying, the emotions. I can relate to much of what you're talking about (I think most people can), which makes this a very strong, powerful, brave piece. I think the emotions you convey are the type of thing all artists try to channel in their works.
If you ever feel the need to write more, please do. I'll always try to read it.

Don't let illness stop you from being happy. It is difficult and consuming and takes you away from the things you want. But there is always tomorrow, and there is dreams and hope.

What can I say, Audra? I have a pretty good idea of what you are feeling in most respects. Thankfully it changed, in a big way. But I went through a lot of years not knowing that that would ever happen. The important thing is to live life as you know it is supposed to be lived, doing the right thing and taking care of business.

When I was younger, I had a reputation around our school as a rather weird kid. I didn't like that. Dad told me one day that I couldn't change the others and their attitudes. But I could change myself. So I did. It helped.

I'm glad you've got nephews who love you. That's a great thing, isn't it? My nephews (like the one I wrote about a couple of days ago) and nieces are the closest thing to children of my own I'll ever have. They are where my responsibility lies.

Thank you.
one must write what they know.
I can only do that, what I know and feel.
Tho' next time I hope I can write something happier, I have some I could relate but I will have to feel it first. It is the same when I draw or paint.
i have to feel it or it doesn't come out right. Does that make sense?
If I cannot feel it I have to let it alone for a while. Especially if I do not want to ruin a piece I am working on.
Maybe I should do that with some areas of my life I feel has been messed up. Just let it alone for a while, let it heal, you know what I mean?
Then when I feel stronger I can deal with it better. Especially with things that are out of hands anyway. What is the phrase?
Don't sweat the small stuff...
anyway, thanks for even reading it...

Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and are seeing things in a more productive and positive light, that is good to read. I was sad to see you down, but still impressed with your writing, so don't give up on nurturing your creative side!

Thanks Ross. That means a lot !!

You're a sweet woman Audra. I can tell you are a thoughtful, special person. Keep your chin up as much as you can.

Thank you Rob.

No problem. I just hate it when early childhood bullies damage otherwise fine people and hurt them later in life (partly because to some, to a seemingly lesser extent, it damaged my own confidence in myself). We shouldn't have to pay for childhood idiots who are long gone. Saying that and making that true is difficult however. But I am working on it

They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....
That can be true. I used to have a lot of patience, but as I get older I have found I get more impatient, I don't suffer fools gladly. And I can't stand the whining child at the supermarket. Little things irritate me. But on the other hand, I can wait for something I want with unusual patience, be understanding with people and empathize. I don't know why I go to such extremes. So I will ever be a work in progress.
I do know I detest labels. People always want to buttonhole others.
Like geek, wierd, shy, genius, etc.
Why do we do that?
I have never totally been what people expect me to be, I am deeper than that. The few who bother to get to actually know me, don't label me that way. i don't label others or at least i try not to, I try to keep an open mind about people I meet. Because they always surprise you and usually in the nicest ways.