Edited by Sorah Suhng.

I know this is a writing exercise, with a therapeutic value, and should not be taken word for word. But I disagree that you violated a vow. He did. You can't make somebody stay.

I am glad it is over, D.L. I can't even imagine what this experience has cost you emotionally, but I am sure it is a relief to have it behind you.

My best to you and I am sure, when you are ready, that if you keep yourself open to the possibilities you will find the person who is right for you.

I'm glad you will now be able to begin putting this behind you DL. I'm sure you realize all your feelings are very normal post-divorce. I'm also sure that you will find someone else one day when you are ready. Good luck.

When my daughter asked me why her mother and I got divorced, I told her that marriage is a lot like two people carrying a very long and heavy box. If one person sets their end down and walks away, then the one who remains cannot carry the box alone and the marriage is over. That's what happened when her mother left us.

DL, you may have been the one to initiate the legal proceedings, but MK is the one who set down his end of the box and left. He's the one who ended the marriage, not you. You've got tremendous support and I have no doubt that you'll be able to deal with the pain and loss over time, but it will be easier if you stop blaming yourself for the things over which you had no control.

I feel this.

I understand that. We were "unequally yoked" as the Bible puts it, and in that situation I was not bound when the other decided to leave. But the vow was still broken, and it involved both of us.

I don't feel guilty. I've gone over many times to see what I could have done differently to make this not happen, and I can't find anything. I can think of many times I said the wrong thing or had the wrong attitude, but it all doesn't add up to causing this.

Even so, this is a huge failure. And I was a part of it, even if a mostly innocent one.

I have nothing to add other than I feel for you and we are here for you. I believe this is the first step to a new life, and eventually a happier one for you.

What do you mean, Chris?

My divorce is recent enough in my personal history, that reading this brought me right back to that timeframe and stirred up old ghosts for me.

I read this, and I can feel what you are going through.

I think this is one of the best posts I've ever read !!! What a great analogy, Kevin. And I hope that DL will heed your advice in your last sentence.

DL... One of the best things my therapist ever taught me was that, "no one can make another person do anything." Your ex did what he did because that's what HE chose to do. It's nothing that you DROVE him to. You didn't MAKE him do anything. As Kevin said, don't take responsibility for that over which you had no control. It'll make the grieving process a little easier if you don't.

DL,
Your personal business is none of mine.
Your personal well-being is, as we are all family, in the grand sense.
If you need to cry, my shoulder is yours.
If you need to vent, my ear is yours.
If you need to rest, I'll guard your door.
Your brother loves you, as I'm sure all IMWAN does.
Look in the mirror and remind the person looking back that she is loved, and worth loving.
Best,
TT

I have nothing to add to what Tommy and the others have just said, except just to take a moment
here to post, and to join the ranks of D.L. supporters.

One day this'll all be behind you, D. It all sounds just awful, but if it gets you into the next stage of your life, then it's for the best, I think.

A chapter closes and another begins. Our thoughts are with you always/

Thanks, everybody. It has been so good to hear from each of you.

There are a few more things that I've got to do involving debt repayment and getting stuff moved out and so forth. Then I really do hope to have it all behind me.

I had another lovemaking dream last night. I wish I could stop having those.

I think that all I know to say is, it's good that you can start putting this behind you. I hope your mind will have a chance to close off that segment. You know you are a good person, and I think you know you have many friends who know that as well. Be happy when you can. Feel safe now. You are much loved.

Better lovemaking dreams than fighting dreams, though. Dreams are valuable for getting stuff out of your system. You are going to have intense ones for a while, I would imagine. Think of it as wiping the slate clean.

I've had both, but more of the first. I've actually been surprised at how few dreams I've had that are about the situation overall. I know I'd much rather love people than fight them. I want to have a soft heart, not a hard and bitter one. I've spent a lot of time intellectually forcing myself to take a look at my bitter feelings and dismiss them. I think eventually they'll get the message and stay away.

Sometimes I feel like I have a brain like a man and a heart like a woman.

Oh... and thanks for stuffing a Tammy Wynette earworm into my head.

Sorry about that. I don't like hearing Tammy Whinette's voice in my head either!

I wasn't just an allusion to the song. It's painful to have to say or type that I've gotten a divorce. It's like being an animal lover and then finding out you have to shoot an injured horse.

Same here -- particularly since it was my own ex-wife's mental instability that finally made me realize it was never going to work.

Stay true to yourself, D.L. Things will work themselves out in the end.