Anniversary


This week would have been our anniversary.

Technically it still was, I guess, since we are technically still married. But we have been separated for a couple of months now. The legal proceedings are now advanced. A year ago I would not have imagined that we would be where we are now. I thought we would be together as long as we both would live, just as we had vowed before God and our families.

I can’t tell you adequately how much I loved you. When we ate together, or held hands, or made love (and oh how you could do that!), or when I performed some little task around the house for you, or we lay down together, I was saying all the time “I love you.” I could just feel it bubbling out of my heart, trying to find expression. Sometimes when I had trouble sleeping I lay awake hearing you breathe beside me and thanking God for you.

It wasn’t always good, not by a long shot. I was frustrated at how much time you spent away from home, by your frequent illnesses and the failure to take care of yourself that aggravated them, by the way you always had to have your own way and would become so angry at the smallest word you did not want to hear. And yet we seemed to be in peace most of the time. I supposed that it was just the way it had to be—a gentle, yielding person married to someone more domineering and serving as a moderating influence. The Victorians called it “the angel of the house.” That’s what I tried to be. I still think I was right to do that. I’ve learned the hard way, though, that with you it just was not enough.

I guess who I am is not pleasing to you. You often said such nice things about me. You flattered me about my looks, and told me how smart I was, and bought gifts for me (and even had them delivered at work once in a while), and bragged about me to those you worked with. When you were feeling well you acted as if you could not get enough of me physically, and I was glad to give and give. And you were a genuinely nice person when we married. You did so many wonderful things for many people.

And yet there was your temper. At rare intervals you would go into rages against something I had done, rages far out of proportion to the offense. Now and then you’d lecture me on all of my many failings toward you. You were never violent. But your temper scared me. I tried to avoid it by letting you have your way and walking on eggshells around assorted matters. I forgave you a lot. I supposed that you had forgiven me for any shortcomings I had. But no, nothing was forgiven. You held grudges for the smallest offense, and offenses that did not even exist.

Did you ever really love me? I really and truly wonder now. You said once you had married me for sex. I had supposed you were joking. Maybe you weren’t. Maybe you were just romantic and looking for someone who could give you a calmer life than you had had growing up. I tried, I really did.

But you spent more and more time around people who represented your past. I worried that they might pull you back into it. You reassured me that that would never happen. Then a few months later I learned that you had been concealing things from me that were very much of a piece with that of past. It hurt me very badly. I know I let it show. Yet I also assured you that I would forgive you. I had thought we were going to put it behind us. And then you went into another of your rages, saying hurtful things and accusing me of things I had not done and was not trying to do. You walked out on me. You rejected my attempts to be reconciled.

In self-defense I was the one who actually filed, though I knew it was what you eventually wanted. I had a real struggle with my conscience to do so. Subsequent events have shown that I did what was necessary. That legal protection has kept you from taking complete advantage of me and given me a measure of security. I still fear sometimes when I hear the service door slam at work that it might be you.

It is the week of our anniversary, and yet I find myself in a lawyer’s office, trying to work out a settlement that will let me hold on to some necessary possessions and avoid bankruptcy. It looks like the settlement may go through soon, with less trouble than I had feared for a time. I hope so. I just want to have it all done.

It is heartbreaking to have to say that. I still love you. I want good things for you. I don’t want any harm to come to you, or to do anything that would harm you. But I know that I can no longer be around you. We have had our final anniversary.

You are in my heart and prayers, D.L. I wish you well this week, in spite of your painful reminder.

Take care of yourself, Daphne. We are pulling for you.

you're a good person. and you will get through this. and there will be better days ahead.

I've been there, DL. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but trust me, eventually the date will become just another day.

I'm so sorry this had to happen this way, DL. I wish you all the best... and may God strengthen you in the present and future.

Been there, DL. It sucks right now but things WILL get MUCH better very soon. You deserve better!

Speaking of anniversaries, I actually signed my divorce papers ON my wedding anniversary.

That is actually kind of good. A complete circle.

Prayers, good wishes and positive vibes being sent your way, DL.
When you're ready for an innocent flirtacious wink, you've got that too.

I really do appreciate all the good thoughts, everybody!

The three-day weekend was a welcome rest. I know I'm stressed, though. Last night I dreamed about M.K. twice. In one of them we were making love. And then I woke up.

You deserve better, D.

It looks like we're almost at a settlement. I tried to hold on to a few items, and that turned into a sticking point. Rather than fight, I'm giving in to all demands to get it over with. It's just stuff. I can replace it.

That is good news, DL. I hope it is over soon.

I think he should get ALL of the stuff and ALL of the bills.

I at least won't get most of the bills. Most of them were not in my name. Though most of what is in my name was done without my knowledge.

When my ex moved out, I told her to take anything she wanted. LIke you said, it's just "stuff."

If I might give a bit of advice... You will find people, telling you to fight for every penny, take him to the cleaners, etc. In the end, all that does is make a couple lawyers wealthier and you less so (and it's hard to say how it will affect you mentally and emotionally.) Cut your losses. Move on. View this as a lesson learned. You deserve better and you WILL find it.

Working in the bankruptcy court, there was this couple fighting tooth and nail over about $5 million to $10 million. The husband owned, more or less, 5 businesses. and they fought to death over everything. With two kids, that was not a good thing to watch.

The man had transferred his assets to the businesses in order not to pay the woman.

the man eventually lost the divorce decision and had to give her a lot. His businesses were required to transfer it back to him, and then he would have to turn it over to her.

This decision took like 2-3 years to reach.

But after the decision but before the judgment was entered he, and all his companies, filed bankruptcy.

So we had to deal with whether or not he had to pay her anything in property settlement, whether his businesses did, etc.

I was there 3 years. and they fought so much over every little thing, when i left, this was still going on.

Combined they had spent spent hundreds of thousandsin legal fees on the bankruptcy alone.

Sheesh. Which just goes to show what a good head D.L. has on her shoulders. I think the best thing about your situation, D.L., is that you seem to have realized that you need to just move on, and the quicker the better.

You're a good person. I'm sure you have many friends that will agree or say so on their own.