(Hopefully less creepy than the last one.)

MONTHLY REPORTS
(Adapted from an e-mail sent to me by my manager.)

I’d like you to start sending me monthly reports.
Don’t worry – I’m hoping it will be relatively painless.
Just make a list of your projects,
as well as your accomplishments and concerns.
(I have attached a template.)
I don’t want to strictly define each of these terms,

but just in case it’s unclear, let me define each of these terms.
Under “accomplishments,” you might want to report
(just follow the format in the attached template
to make the procedure as painless
as possible; see me with concerns)
the taking on of a new responsibility or project.

Under “projects,”
you would list accomplishments not yet completed. (These terms,
obviously, are somewhat fluid, but don’t concern
yourself with that; again, the reports
are meant to be relatively painless,
and they will be. Assuming you follow the attached template.)

If you note the layout of the attached template,
you’ll see that “accomplishments” are listed first, then “projects”
second. (But these could be reversed with relative painless-
ness). It’s not so much the order of the terms
As it is the timely completion of the report
With which I am concerned.

Under “concerns”
(the third item on the attached template),
you are to report
whatever you’re concerned about, be it a new project,
some confusion over the meaning of a term,
or issues involving pay – unless,

of course, it’s something HR could handle relatively painless-
ly. In such a case you may bring your concerns
to their attention, albeit not necessarily in the same terms,
since HR has not received a copy of the attached template.
Certain ambiguous words – for example, “project” –
Take on different connotations depending on who reads your report.

There’s not a required number of projects that must appear on the report.
I want this to be – in simple terms – fairly painless.
I’m simply establishing a template for communicating concerns.

Doesn't look like you had to adapt it too much. The authentic voice of manager-speak comes through quite well! Demonstrating that it has its own kind of poetry, I guess.

I just had to present a monthly report to our Board of Trustees this morning, BTW. It's a much simpler process than that sounds like it'll be!

Thanks, DL! (Happily, the source material for the above was written over a year ago. In the intervening time, I just stopped filling out the reports. It doesn't seem to have impacted too negatively on my position.)

That's not untypical of managerial speak as well--it tries to set up an elaborate infrastructure to do something, and then loses interest and forgets about it. That's one thing I like about small organizations--you don't have to worry about too much of that sort of thing.

I need to find me one of those.