Not resolutions for the new year, tho' many will be doing that of course.
But resolutions for a new life, a new outlook and way to be.
I want to do something different from now on.
being me and loving every minute of it.
NOT being afraid anymore, that is what I want to do, to be.
Now how to go about it?
I need to figure out why?
Why am I sooo afraid to be in a real living breathing relationship?
What scares me so much?
Why do I run when it gets serious enough to talk marriage?
I was engaged once in all my 38 years, but why did i say yes to him?
I didn't really love him, I don't think i did.
I was attracted, yes, but not in love with him.
Maybe I thought it was safer to be attracted and not in love,
something makes me quiver in fear at the thought of being
that vulnerable with someone. I do not know why. I need to figure it out,
or I can never be a whole loving person. That scares me too
not being able to give that part of myself, that is quite sad isn't it?
I think part of the problem is, I am unsure of myself.
not comfortable in my own skin.
I allowed some one to be close to me who may have even loved me
but i didn't love him, not really. and it made things worse.
I would have even married him.
But he decided to end it. I am glad in retrospect that he did.
at the time i hated him for that.
now i have to take a long hard look at why i am so screwed up and how to fix it.
a small part of me feels that if i love someone too much they will go away or die
Leave me somehow and that is frightening for me.
i don't like losing the people that i love.
But i have decided i am going to address this.
make a fervent effort and be a better person.
I am tired of being sad, angry and frustrated
with how things have turned out.
I have become irritated
and impatient in my old age.
It is way past time to change.
Whatever is wrong with me is like a poison
I need to find an antidote and quickly
or i might not ever be happy, really happy, ever again.
And I WANT to be happy again.
I want to love and be in love.
I wonder if I can achieve this goal.
I hope so.
So much depends on it.

The joy of love lies in the giving of it. Give more and you will receive more back. Not necessarily from every individual, but from the people around in general.

I sometimes feel like I am being judged as being selfish or running away from
the opportunity to be in a relationship. Maybe I am running, but it isn't
from the relationship actually. i run from the fear of being hurt badly.
I don't want to be in that hell again. I have been told to just not be afraid,
take a chance. I WANT to, take a chance. but the fear is still there.
I think i am needing to be reassured that i am truly wanted.
I need to know that someone wants me, needs me and even
loves me. but i don't hear that or feel that from the people i need
to hear or feel it from.
I get accused of choosing exile or hiding in a corner, I had a deep hurt.
I have given of myself and been either used or stomped on.
I hate how that felt.
I know i was part to blame for allowing it to happen to me.
I allowed that person in my life and he hurt me.
I need to get over it yes, but can i do it truly alone?
i don't know.
i have thought about it , prayed about it.
I just don't know the answer to it.
when i am being asked to trust someone new
I want to say yes, but i find myself hesitating.
I know it upsets him, he wants me to be decisive.
i guess i just want to know if he even likes me or cares whether
or not i can succeed at this. he acts coldly towards me and
i feel all alone.
he doesn't understand
I don't want to feel this way
i need reassurance, encouragement
even an understanding word from him would help
immensely. i am just beginning to wonder
if he can even do a little thing like that for me.
if he can't what hope can i have of being in a
successful relationship, ever.
While i am learning to let go of the past i need
to know i can have a future.
maybe that is too much to ask of anyone.
i made no promises to him
i guess maybe he doesn't want to be hurt
either......

How can i hope he could ever forgive that which i cannot forgive myself?
He doesn't know all the details of my fall from grace.
I don't wish to tell him everything, it was too horrible.
it is sufficient that he knows part of it and, i feel, never truly trust me
as it is. If he ever could. i see questions in his eyes
like he will always wonder
always question my ability to stay.

I have asked if he cares, he either avoids the question or ignores it.
I said i don't want to hurt him and his reply is
he would have to care for me to be able to do that.
in a way i guess he has answered the question

am i hoping too much? probably
am i scared? yes, very much so
do i love? yes
can i ever say those words again? i hope so
do i need to hear him say it? yes
am i scared he will walk away ? yes i am
so many questions
what to do....
I know i need to focus and decide what i ultimately really want
all i know right now is
i want him
in my life
and more if i can only kill the fear

i have friends that tell me
just give it a chance
the worst is it wouldn't work out
but if you never give it a real chance
then
you will never know
i know that is truth
i still hesitate
i know what it is to have love and lost
i don't agree that it is always better
but i do know i will have more regrets
if i do not attempt a real relationship
i don't want the fairy tale
i want something real
but
i want to know what it is he wants
i have asked him
he puts it back on me
i suppose he won't commit
until he is sure i am willing to stay
to try
to do
i can't fault him for that
i realize he needs reassurances
i won't bolt
because i have once already
i don't want to do that again
but if i were the first to say how i feel now
i am feeling like he won't believe me
that it is a ploy or something
i don't want him to think that, feel that
but if i don't tell him he will think
i am parroting him when i do say it.
i cannot win
i want to trust completely
i want him to trust me too
i know it is a huge leap of faith and love
to just accept and attempt it
he will never truly understand how huge it is for me
how much this means to me, how much all of this means to me
i have huge fears, yes but i have hopes too
i am wanting the hope to outweigh the fears
love is supposed to conquer all
to forgive all. to cover a multitude of sins
hopes all things
endures all things
that is never fails
i don't think love is blind
i just think it is forgiveness
and i think that is what i need the most

forgiveness

does he think terms of endearment are foolishness
that the little things and ways of expressing affection are
silly and not worth the effort
it is those little thing i need, not all the time
just once in a while
enough to know i am appreciated
that the feelings i have are reciprocated
is that really too much to want
maybe, i don't know anymore
i am very close to just giving up
i am just exhausted right now
emotionally tired and drained
i have been sick for a week so i am probably
making more of this than i really should be
i need to think

I guess i just want to know
really know everything is going to be alright
no matter what happens
i can't ask him to say it
it wouldn't count if I did
but that is what i would like to know
that he believes it will be alright
regardless of what happens

What does scare me the most? that is a good question
when I was about 15 months old we were in Monroe, Louisiana
the only thing i personally remember about that was when we
were at the hotel, in the swimming pool. Dad was there, we were
in the water. Mom said i absolutely loved it, Dad had not noticed
a wire dividing the deep from the shallow end.
i was on Daddy's back and he swam around with me.
It took all of one split second Dad suddenly realized that wire
would knock me off his back, he stood up but started slipping
backward and was trying not to fall back into the water with me
behind him. i clung and started crying, i went under still screaming
eyes wide opened, terrified. it took only one split second
i still don't like deep water.

I have dealt with the phobia that created.
But the absolute helplessness and complete loss of control;
I still fight that feeling when i fall into a situation that makes
me feel i am in over my head. and that is how i feel when i am
having to put trust into a stranger, someone new in my life.
it is terrifying for me, i feel at a loss in those situations.
i want and need reassurance. it is hard for me to admit, but i
feel the fight or flight the strongest right then. and i have, in
the past, opted for flight most of the time.
With steve i didn't do that. i didn't look before i leapt.
i threw caution to the wind, and landed in a huge mess.
admittedly of my own making. Being spontaneous
didn't work out well for me. I lost a big part of myself,
all I had gained before i met him, i lost.
it was devastating. I keep being told to not be afraid.
i don't want to be afraid. But i find myself holding back.
Even tho' every fibre of me wants to try again.
I am afraid.

I need to address THAT fear. It is the one thing I have
recognized as what is paralyzing me. and that is what it
is actually doing to me. paralyzing my will,
my need to be with someone i care deeply about.
It leaves me shaky and nervous and unable to deal.
I am not completely sure what triggers it.
I have a good guess, but I am not sure.
Steve once did something that made me
physically paralyzed, i even stopped breathing.
I was conscious but unable to speak, breath or move.
it scared him. So i have a little added thing to that
terror that can grip me and i wonder if i CAN be in
a healthy, normal relationship, without that happening again.
I dearly hope so. otherwise it will rob me of all happiness.
and i can't accept that. i don't want to be old and alone.

I want to feel secure and content in my own skin
to feel comfortable with others
being able to openly express myself
not caring what others may think about me
i can be spontaneous and flirty
a deep thinker and light hearted.
i am wanting to appreciate what makes me unique
even if others cannot
be able to smile and walk away from the bullies
knowing they can't hurt me anymore.
I want to be able to greet my closest friends
with the affection i feel for them
without the fear they will misunderstand me
i want to leave the shadows
walk in the sunshine and be whole
happy and alive again
I want to know love
be loved
give love
I want to look in his eyes and be able to say it
with no doubts or qualms
I would like it if he could do the same
i want everything to be alright again
not a fairy tale
but a good life with a good man
who thinks i am a good woman
and worth the risk to tell me so
am i worth the risk?
I hope so
Can he come to me and say
I like you too, let's try this...
i hope i am ready, i don't want to let him down again
i need to tell him soon
he needs to hear what I think from me
that is the hard part
really
saying it out loud
saying it for real
saying it for him, to him
the absolute worst that could really happen
is that he feels nothing after all
but it is a possibility i need to face
to overcome the anxiety of the uncertain
he is a good man
kind
decent
talented
fun
smart
it is hard to believe
i have known him for 16 years
it hasn't felt like that long
and sometimes it feels like forever
weird
i haven't always been nice to him
i wish i had
i wish i hadn't wasted a lot of that time
to get to know him better
i could not blame him if he walked
away for good
i would only have myself to blame
but he seems to want to give me
a chance, probably my last chance
i don't want to waste it, it is too precious
and so is he

when he asked me if i were to be 40 and become desparate little did he know I have already been desparate. I don't want to be that again.
I want to look him in the eyes and say how i feel. and know he understands that I really mean it. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and say i am able to not be afraid anymore. I want to look him in the eyes and see that he cares about me, that he wants to tell me how he feels. I wonder if he can do that, if he even wants to do it,
say it. I don't know.
I am not going to be desparate, but determined.
Determined to be stronger and able to say what i think
what i feel. what i want.
but maybe i shouldn't have said i cared.
that makes me weak , doesn't it
makes me vulnerable, i won't be desparate again. But i am vulnerable
especially when it comes to him.
He knows how to hurt me and if he wanted to
he could hurt me very much
because i care
that is too bad for me
i trust him
i will always do
but i don't even know if he wants to try and trust me
or care
i don't want to see in his eyes the look that tells me he wonders if
i will run away or decieve him, my ex told him things about
me and i don't know where i could even begin to address those things
i don't want to see mistrust in his eyes
i don't want to see those questions in his eyes
i am afraid
i am afraid he will