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EXCLUSIVE: Hammer’s Track-By-Track Guide To The New Steel Panther Album!
Merlin dissects new Steel Panther album ‘Balls Out’. WARNING: May contain sex, drugs, rock and lols
We still find it hard to go a full week without busting out ‘Death To All But Metal’ at full blast, so imagine our delight when Steel Panther’s brand-spanking-new album landed on our desks! Here’s Merlin’s track-by-track guide to the ‘Panther’s latest injection of STD-fuelled steel, ‘Balls Out’.
1. In The Future (Intro)
“It is the future, Year 6969, somewhere out in megaspace” begins a menacing robotic overlord voice. Six words in and before any music has even hit, and we already have our first sexual innuendo. Outstanding work, lads. There’s something about a penile impregnation pill, but we’re gagging for the riffs. Where are the riffs?!
2. Supersonic Sex Machine
Oh. There they are. An almost Priest-ian speed metal intro kicks things straight into fifth gear and for some reason our hands are drawn straight to the nearest bottle of whisky. “I am programmed to make all the bitches squeaaaaaal!” screams Michael Starr. Yup, the boys are back.
3. Just Like Tiger Woods
The intro to this tune sounds like it should be in a Saved By The Bell Highlight Reel. We’re almost in power ballad territory pretty early on here – and do we really need to explain the context of the title? “Three holes are better than a hole in one,” offers Michael. That pretty much says it all.
4. 17 Girls In A Row
There’s a nice, filthy Skid Row/‘Dr Feelgood’-era Crüe-style riff running through this bad boy – and it’s possibly the sleaziest Panther track yet. Apparently, Michael banged 17 girls in a row and didn’t lose his erection. That’s pretty damn heroic right there.
5. If You Really Love Me
This beautiful, heartfelt plea to the women of the world to start proving their love has an acoustic verse mixed with a huge, arm-swaying chorus armed with hooks aplenty (and an average of at least four “reallys” per line). Moving stuff.
6. It Won’t Suck Itself
Picking the pace back up with the Crüe looming large once again, this sweet little ditty is about the Global Financial Crisis. Oh alright, it’s about blow jobs. Although is that Chad “Nickelback” Kroegar we hear making a cameo?! Crumbs.
7. Tomorrow Night
“I’m going to a party, tomorrow night, tomorrow night!” squeals Michael on this marginally more restrained number – restrained by Panther standards, that is. According to these lyrics, Britney Spears makes out with Christopher Walken at Steel Panther parties. We’re gonna be honest, we might give that a miss.
8. Why Can’t You Trust Me?
Another heartwrenching, soul-searching piece of melancholy from the Panther boys as Michael waxes lyrical on MySpace, Chris Brown and fucking his girlfriend’s ugly friends. That poor guy. Almost brings a tear to our eye.
9. That’s What Girls Are For
Pure Def Leppard love on the intro and chest-beating chorus to this number. Though we can’t say if Joe Elliot would approve on the band’s opinions on what exactly it is that girls are for. We’ll let you take a few guesses on that one.
10. Gold Digging Whore
A rock ‘n’ roll companion to Kanye West’s ‘Gold Digger’? Probably not. Still, could “G-O-L-D D-I-GG-I-N-G W-H-O-R…E!” Be the new “Y-M-C-A”. Erm, probably not.
11. I Like Drugs
Oddly, this riff-snorting dirtbag of a tune reverses Marilyn Manson’s classic ‘I Don’t Like The Drugs’ lyric. Having said that, these lyrics are enough put anyone off illegal substances. Could Steel Panther be the new face of the Just Say No campaign? …probably not.
12. Critter
The only thing filthier than these dirty riffs is the lyrical guidebook on how to get your lady to agree to anal sex. As far as sexual guidance goes, you’re probably best-off sticking to Embarrassing Bodies on Channel 4.
13. Let Me Come In
As if the ‘Panther weren’t gloriously ‘80s enough, there’s a splattering of cheesy synth and a smidgen of cow bell in the mix on this bad boy. You can never, ever have enough cow bell.
14. Weenie Ride
Alright, there’s no messing around now; it’s full-blown, piano-driven, lighter-in-the-air power ballad time. This is four grown men singing about weenies, for fuck’s sake. You already know whether you’re going to like this or not.
‘Balls Out’ is out October 17 on Universal
