The 10 Nerdiest Superheroes


This weekend's buzz is hot and heavy for 'Kick-Ass,' an action-comedy that follows a normal, everyday comic-book loving geek as he dons a tight-fitting wetsuit and mask and acts the part of a superhero, along the way meeting several other non-super superheroes (Big Daddy, Hit Girl and Red Mist).

Speaking about the 'Kick-Ass' concept, creator Mark Millar wrote: "I always wondered why nobody did it before me." We're not sure where he has been, but there have been dozens of nerds who have decided to become superheroes, superpowers or not, well before Kick-Ass and his friends arrived.

Here are the 10 most nerd-tastic superheroes that 'Kick-Ass' will have to overcome; each example includes a trivia fact because we know nerds love them.

10. 'Mystery Men'
These superheroes were written purposely to be nerdy. For that reason, they're not placed higher, since "conscious nerdiness" is something hipsters do. However, we couldn't leave them completely off the list since 'Kick-Ass' follows similar concepts and movie geeks love it. Plus, the combined dorkiness of Kick-Ass, Big Daddy, Hit Girl, and Red Mist cannot rival that of Mr. Furious, The Shoveler, The Spleen, The Blue Raja, Invisible Boy and The Bowler.

Extra Nerd: Bob Burden's original comic book didn't include the latter three characters above, but did follow Flaming Carrot, Screwball, Captain Attack, Bondo Man, Hummer and many others.


9. Cyclops
A superhero who HAS to wear glasses or his laser eyes destroy everything. Well, isn't that a tailor-made nerd star. In the comics, Cyclops and his alter-ego Scott Summers lead the X-Men with a conservative wet-blanket touch. In the 'X-Men' films, he becomes even weaker, a 90-pound weakling to Wolverine's bully bravado. The clawed-wonder almost muscles Jean Gray right out from under Cyclops nose.

Extra Nerd: Besides his optic energy blasts, his other superpower is "intuitive spatial geometry." Are you nerd-kidding? No.


8. Superman
We get that Clark Kent doesn't want to be outed as Superman, but does he have to be a newspaper reporter? If 'Superman' were created today, he'd be a blogger. And take it from a Web site full of bloggers, we're super nerds. Whereas George Reeves chose to play an intellectual Clark Kent in the TV series, Christopher Reeve made the character a complete klutz on film ... and Brandon Routh copied that nerd archetype.

Extra Nerd: Clark Kent's favorite movie is 'To Kill a Mockingbird.'


7. Nite Owl II
Daniel Dreiberg in 'Watchmen' is not creative enough to invent his own superhero character, so he takes one from a retiring superhero, the original Nite Owl. He geeks-out over his new role and invents tons of gadgets. Co-creator Dave Gibbons calls him a "an obsessive hobbyist ... a comics fan, a fanboy." NERD! In the book, he's also completely out of shape with a beer (or soda pop and candy) gut.

Extra Nerd: Patrick Wilson put on 25 couch-potato pounds to show the physical decline of his character.


6. Professor X
Charles Francis Xavier's name alone makes you want to push him down and steal his lunch money. The son of a nuclear scientist, Charles graduated from Harvard at 16 and went on to get Ph.D.s in Genetics, Psychology and Biophysics. His pocket-protector probably crippled his legs. In the comic books, even when he has a chance to be with Jean Gray, he wimps out.

Extra Nerd: Ironically, he dies in 'X-Men: The Last Stand.'


5. Swamp Thing
Lab rat Dr. Alec Holland becomes victim to his own experimentation when an explosion in his lab turns him into a plant thing. While he appears to be a monster on the outside, he's still a vegetarian nerd at heart. Director Wes Craven's intent with 1982's 'Swamp Thing' was to show the major studios he could do action. However, whether it was the nerdy source material or Craven's inner B-Movie geek, the film still came across as low-budget dork-cinema.

Extra Nerd: Creator Alec Holland's goal was to make a "muck-encrusted mockery of a man." Mission accomplished.


4. Spider-Man
Stan Lee famously created Peter Parker because he wanted his dorky teen audience to relate to a nerdy teen. While he gives Parker a cool talent (photography), he only uses it for boring photojournalism. He never even offers to shoot black and white nudes of Mary Jane! A bookworm and introvert, he's called "Puny Parker" by his school bullies.

Extra Nerd: James Franco tested for the part of Peter Parker in 'Spider-Man,' but was deemed too sexy.


3. 'Mighty Morphin Power Rangers'
The Power Rangers concept came from a Japanese superhero show, 'Super Sentai.' American teens really into martial arts and wearing colorful spandex makes them oddballs watching way too much anime. Zordon, their mentor, chose them to defend Earth because they're five "teenagers with attitude." That attitude turns out to be one-dimensional dork.

Extra Nerd: The Black Ranger is so one-dimensional that his fighting style is called Hip-Hop-kido.


2. Mister Fantastic
The name Mr. Fantastic is geekier than any in 'Kick-Ass' ... and his alter ego's name isn't much better; Reed Richards is nerd incarnate. A prodigy in math and science, he obtained seven degrees in science by age 20. The only reason he scores with Invisible Woman is because she developed a teenage crush on him when she was 13 and he was 19. He even gets the lamest superpower, elasticity, when the 'Fantastic Four' is bombarded by cosmic radiation.

Extra Nerd: Never entertains his infinite porn star potential.


1. 'The Mask'
Stanley Ipkiss was a spineless and neurotic bank clerk bullied by everyone. He put zero work into bettering his life or becoming a superhero. His pathetic life would have continued this way if he hadn't stumbled across The Mask. Those unfamiliar with the comic books may be surprised this even makes the list. The Jim Carrey film focused more on The Mask's antics rather than crime fighting. However, The Mask does stop a bank-robbing gang as an afterthought.

Extra Nerd: 'Son of the Mask' ... 'nuff said.

I don't think I'd put Reed Richards in there either. You have to be more than a science geek to be a nerd.

Funny -- to me, Reed Richards is the quintessential science nerd.

Funny -- to me, Reed Richards is the quintessential science nerd.

Well, as I said, there would have to be other aspects of nerdery evident. Lack of any visible musculature for instance. Goofy hair style. Reed is too handsome, too much a leader (and a good one) in combat situations, too masculine and vigorous to be a classic nerd. Geekdom does not by itself, make a nerd.

You sound like a fucking nerd.

Playroom.

No-way Cyclops should be on there. Perhaps the Beast. And Hank Pym. Heck even Tony Stark is nerdier than Cyclops.