One of my favorite humor books is Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey. It's just a book collection of the "Deep Thoughts" they used to scroll on the screen on Saturday Night Live in the early Nineties. I have three books (Deep Thoughts, Deeper Thoughts, and Deepest Thoughts).

For no additional charge, I will be posting some of the ones I like here on virtually a daily basis. I may post more than one.

Feel free to post your own "deep thoughts," or any other comments.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey (1992)

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey (1992)

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!"

We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey (1992)

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey (1992)

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey (1992)

A few to prime the pump. That's all for now.

I have a word doc with several dozen of these Deep Thoughts. They range from brilliant to silly nonsense...just like IMWAN.

I'm not sure we hit both ends of that range here at IMWAN.

And everything in between, Jay.

Silly nonsense.

Hey, I see what you did there.

See, now we've hit brilliant.

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?"

This one might be my favorite:

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says 'You'.

"After that, I usually feel better, and no harm done."

Man I miss Phil Hartman. Unfortunatly, his wife didn't miss....

...but fortunately, she didn't miss herself.

Frank -- you have good taste in Deep Thoughts.

"If you ever drop your keys in molten lava, just leave them. They're gone."

My personal "Deep Thoughts" credo:

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

My personal favorite:

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!"