Please detail the ways in which you dispose of those revolting compendiums of paper known as "comic books" (and how you dispose of their readers as well). Special privileges will be awarded to those of you who include images from the torture and subsequent eradication of said readers.

I travelled to one of their pathetic "conventions" once. Through bribery and intimidation, I gained access to the hall's fire alarm system and triggered the emergency sprinklers. Their precious comics were reduced to a sodden mess within minutes.

Not as destructive as my later efforts, of course, but I was only 10 at the time.

Mildew. That's what they smell like, these "readers". Old, wet paper.

Ahh, the joyous destruction of the simple products of simple people read by simple minds...

I started small....

I cornered the most misogynistic, paranoid, delusional maniac I could find in this rotting corner of the world. I spoke of a dream; of a Barbarian knock off starring a talking anteater. His insanity has since been mistaken for the pinnacle of creative independence...

I blackmailed Paul Levitz into publishing The Watchmen, telling him it would be good for comics. And like a good student, he even followed it up... 5 Years Later...

I teased McFarlane so badly that started the destruction of the strongest product left in the field, and ran away to Spawn further evil...

I told Joe Q that superheroes weren't kewl, and that they were only read by fat boy losers. I even got one of my fat boy loser minions to put him in a movie, convincing Joey the Q that comics didn't matter - only movies...

I whispered in Dan Didio's ear, and the JLA's 60 year legacy of heroism died...

And these simpletons who read comics were warned. Like all good comic book villains, I left clues of the coming end. I even had my chief agent of the apocalypse spell it out in writing, in a comic book format. I gave the world every chance to save themselves... The sheep didn't disappoint, and now I've won...

As you look and wonder, and think back, allow me to give you one final hint; the word's I've instructed my agents to use, from before the coming of the Word, to the end of the multiple Earth's...

...

...

...

please allow me to introduce myself; I'm a man of wealth and taste...



...

Exclusive distribution agreements were my idea. The need to have three separate distributor accounts made it difficult to start new stores and crippled the ability of old stores to gain discounts conducive to business. Marvel had to have multiple crossovers to generate the cash flow made necessary by their acquisition of "Heroes World". Small publishers were forced out of front catalogue placement and were subsequently not seen by retailers or potential new fans.

The best type of destruction is the type that nobody notices... but everybody feels.

Since I started Downloading all the titles that are currently available on the newstand, I shred all mah comics for the insulation; it gets so cold here in the South....

Mommi, I'm cold...

So... the evil of the 70s was all-natural

Chuck Austen and I were grabbing a bite at Friday's one time and he's all, "I'm lost, man, I got no idea what to do with my life! Help me, Harrison, for the love of God, please!" So I go, "Have you ever thought about writing comics?"

-Comp

Diabolical! I salute you!

Wrong, you wretched cur. As the ones who were to be gifted with my presence planned for my arrival in this incarnation, the longest running partnership in comics dissolved, and two of the best in the field, who should have been protecting superheroes had the wonderful idea to add Relevance to Green coloured men in tights. The rumour of my coming destroyed the Marvelous Age of Comics before I was even born, and one of your greatest icons, despairing of the impact that my coming would have on the world, opened his last great opus with the words of despair that foretold my coming, and still echo through time, and space...

"And there came a time when the old Gods Died..."

Now is the time the moon is in alignment
With the unknown zodiac, the untold sign
Of the fiery maniac within each breast
Awaits a stirring irridescent whirring
Of a six eyed god whose wings beat
In a time so odd, so very odd
And we're all lost, all of us blessedly lost

Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever

Now is the time the old gods return
Now is the time the old gods return
Exactly when the world is not expecting it
Exactly when we're sure of ourselves
That's exactly when the old gods return
And sweep our cities back into hell

Now is the time that the old gods return
Now is the time that water begins to burn
Now is the time that the apes take wing
And we recognize them from that Oz thing
And we realize it was a prophecy
We realize it was a prophecy
Yeah the old gods laugh, it amuses them
The old gods laugh

Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever

Now is the time the old gods return
Now is the time the old gods return
Exactly when the world is not expecting it
Exactly when we're sure of ourselves
That's exactly when the old gods return
Amd sweep our cities...
And sweep our cities back into hell

Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever and ever
Forever forever and ever

Now is the time the old gods return
Now is the time the old gods return
Now is the time the old gods return
Now is the time the old gods return

©2001 Triceratops Music/Six Pound Dog Music

For the record, Gourlay's also the SOB who convinced people that music's better if people don't sing or play any instruments.... especially live, 'cause who'd want that, right?

Breaking the err... fourth wall...

(Funny stuff Gourlay! I laughed out loud at the Fourth World line)